Lady Jonathan Tells All, #7
“There are only so many snakes one woman can carry around in her bicycle basket!”
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Dear Lady Jonathan,
I am a single woman in my thirties. I want a real relationship with an intelligent, interesting, smoking hot, nice, fun man with a decent job. Recently I have been dating a guy who on paper I should be excited about—he’s got a creative career, is stable, a few years older than me, attractive, has his own place. I just don’t really have fun with him. The truth is, I am always attracted to younger guys. Like twenty-five and under. It’s 10pm on a Tuesday, and I am texting with a twenty-three-year-old couch surfer and I’m pretty sure I am going to invite him over and most likely sleep with him, if not tonight, soon. We’ve been texting all day. This isn’t an isolated incident for me—I just described to you the last 24-48 months of my life. Is there something wrong with me?
Sincerely,
Baby Love
Baby Love!
Oh how silly you are! You silly little bumble bee! Buzzing around your honey!
Of course there is nothing wrong with you. Sounds to me like you are having a good time. I mean, there are people in this world who aren’t even getting laid—much less deciding on the age range that they will allow in their beds.
If you told me you were only attracted to inmates convicted of domestic violence, or men who have cheated on every single woman they’ve dated, or recently relapsed alcoholics or whoever your best friend likes, or lead singers of bands (you better not be hiding band affiliations from me), well then, I’d be all about telling you that yes, there is something wrong with you. But that’s not you!
One thing I can say is that maybe you aren’t really looking for a “real relationship” as you call it. You don’t seem to think any of these younger dudes can fill that position, as seen by your juxtaposition of them vs. “real.” So obviously if you only want these younger dudes around, you aren’t leaving much room for a true “real” candidate. There are only so many snakes one woman can carry around in her bicycle basket!
Oh but something else—maybe placing these younger men in opposition to what one might consider “real”—making them and their fresh faces, zeal for life, unpredictability, hot bods, wild spirit, post midnight accessibility—in opposition of “real”—you can control why you aren’t meeting someone more similar in age who you may be able to consider a legitimate possible partner. With these fresh pups ready to frolic in bubbling streams with you, you can say—hey! This is why I can’t date older (professional, stable) guys! They aren’t THIS OTHER THING that I love! Look! They aren’t in this stream naked and shrieking with me like this other younger guy! Which is of course a lie you are telling yourself. Guys your own age like nudity and flowing water just as much as the next salmon.
But whatever! Fuck whom you want! Have lusty love affairs with someone amazing! Fall in love with like 10 people in the dark months of February!
When you are ready for something different, your attraction will shift. When you meet someone who is “real relationship” potential whom also excites you—despite his age—you will have a force to recon with. Just do yourself and your future mate a solid and don’t learn everything you know about relationships from any human, male or female, who is in their early twenties.
Oh but one more thing before we take our lessons from an animal. I like questions, and here are some for you:
Do you feel super intelligent when in the company of younger men?
Do you like being the “wise“ one?
Do you like being someone who has more experience than her lovers?
Do experienced people intimidate you?
When it comes to a “real” relationship, is there anything you are afraid you won’t be able to bring to the table?
How do you feel about sharing your identity with a man?
If your age didn’t exist, how old would you feel?
When you think of a “real” relationship, what does it look like? Are you in your current geographical location? How old are you? Are you happy? Laughing? Glowing? Miserable? Bored? Trapped?
Okay, that’s enough for today. Please compose a five-paragraph thesis essay addressing at least five of the above questions and return it to me in final draft form by June 21st.
Now I am ready to pick a card.
Oh how fun, I picked the dog card! And let me tell you, the dog looks virile and handsome. Look!
Oh, it’s not what you think. This card isn’t calling you a dog, dawg. And another thing, I drew the card upside down which changes it’s meaning.
As you can imagine, the dog card typically teaches us lessons about loyalty and nobility. Upside down, the card has other implications. Drawing Dog may mean that you have become critical or mean due to the company you are keeping. Are you super critical of these older dudes, but more lax on the youngins’ cause they are you know, young?
The reversal of this medicine could imply that it’s time to stop cowering in fear and to confront these adversaries to your confidence. Baby Love! Could it be?!?
Dog is telling you that your enemies aren’t external but only thought-forms that you have in your own mind—thought-forms that are telling you that you aren’t worthy of loyalty, either to yourself or to others. Take a minute to examine any disloyalty you have experienced in your life. A former committed relationship that included loyalty issues? Some form of disruptive disloyalty in your family history? (We don’t only have to look at daddy here.)
Human disloyalty patterns can come in the form of passing on gossip, spreading rumors, belittling others with jokes. Do you do these things? Do you refuse to return the kindness that is given to you? What we are looking at are characteristics of fear—fear that is common to humans.
Humans fear not belonging—not being approved of. Do you fear this, Baby? Does the fear kind of fizzle out when you are with some young buck who has ½ the nightlife stories to tell that you do? I have no idea; but you do.
Dog wants you to reclaim the power of your loyalty to self and self-truths. Become your own best friend.
Lady Jonathan wants you to have a whole lot of fucking fun in the meantime.
Say hi to whoever you are texting right now for me!
Lady Jonathan
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