Lady Jonathan Tells All, #14
“I mean, you’ve gotta be feeling rage, right? I would be.”
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Dear Lady J,
I'm a straight, open-minded man who's down with his butt. You savvy?
My last girlfriend was equally open-minded, and willing to indulge my
proclivities. Together we purchased a strap-on dildo for her to use on
me. And we did. And boy-damn was it hot.
Now, keep in mind, this was an activity she encouraged, supported, and
was genuinely excited to engage in. Which makes what happened after we
broke up all the more hurtful. For unrelated reasons not worth going
into here, she was angry with me after we split. As a result, she
apparently told some mutual acquaintances about our adventures, and
they called me and left messages on my voicemail teasing me.
I'm not a wuss (I take it in the butt, after all), and these idiots
making light of my tendencies doesn't phase me a bit. But the fact
that she took something intimate, private, and positive between us,
and used it to try to shame and hurt me . . . That's fucked up,
right?
Should I just shrug this off and let her be immature (she is quite a
bit younger than me), or should I take her to task and hopefully teach
her a lesson?
Yours,
Bent Over Boyfriend
Hello Bent Over,
This is Lady Jonathan. I’m here for you.
The entire animal kingdom is outraged.
To answer your first question, yes that is totally fucked up. What an asshole she is! What she is doing is mega lame.
She’s trying to make you look small, make you feel embarrassed and in general smear your reputation as a “MAN.” What this means to me is that she is very threatened by you. She feels like she wasn’t good enough for you in one way or another, or many ways in fact.
I was thinking that her motivations would be pretty transparent to anyone she told about this. I was thinking that she’d come off as a fool for smearing your intimate business all over town.
But then I reread the part where your mutual friends called and left you voice messages about this? Taking it one-step further—acknowledging what she said, and playing into the intention of it? Who are those low IQ assholes anyway?
This does imply to me however that your friends think you are a man of humor and thick skin. That’s nice. You must be popular.
Back to the issue at hand. I want to discuss assplay for a minute. I’ve only met one man in my entire life who wasn’t into it. One. Which means he probably was the most into it out of all of them. I applaud you for exploring your bliss. Max out all the sensations you can! Open the doors for lust and next-level joy! The front and back doors! Open them all!
So should you teach her a lesson? Thing is, she will get taught herself. Anyone who has ever wronged me has gotten fucked over in one way or another. Sometimes it happened right away. Sometimes it took several months. The commonality though is that despite hatching the most brilliant and stabbing plans of revenge, I stood back and let them draw the dark matter of the world toward themselves. They did.
The thing that will upset her most, and it is the thing she deserves, is for you to pretend she totally doesn’t exist. Ignore her on any and all levels. Don’t talk about her to other people who know her. Never make eye contact if you see her. Block her email address, phone number and any other instant message app you may have used. Block her on every IM platform possible. People who are publicly cruel like that really want attention. Take it completely away and they FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
Notice how I didn’t say to delete her on Facebook? I feel strongly about this. It looks petty and it gives her attention. Just make sure she doesn’t show up in your newsfeed. That will just annoy you. I mean, you’ve gotta be feeling rage, right? I would be.
If anyone ever asks you what happened with her, reply simply, “she is a child.” No more no less. Because she is. She stopped her social development in high school. (She’s not actually in high school, right?) Maybe she was peaking in high school. Maybe those were her best years. The years she felt the most beautiful, the most alive. And now she’s trapped there. I feel infinitely bad for people like that. High school was fucking L A M E. Everyone is an idiot. No one knows who they are. Do you think she knows who she is? You seem to know who you are.
Moving forward, date people who have a strong grasp on their identity. They might not be as young as you want them to be, and maybe their skin doesn’t glisten like dew on a flower that literally appeared over night on the fourth week of Spring, but they are going to be so much fucking cooler.
WAIT I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING! You’ve talked me into schooling her! Publicly on Nailed Magazine! Well done, Bent!
I’d like to add that in like 4 years, you are totally in the clear to play a practical joke on her. A subtle torment. You know, like mailing child-like drawings of a babe fucking a dude with a strap on to her place of work. Things like that.
That’s my advice. Shall we turn to an animal?
A Grouse? Now that’s a bird the public at large doesn’t speak of often. But what a beautiful card to draw!
The dance of Grouse follows a spiral, which is the ancient symbol of birth and rebirth, the ribbed tunnel (heh heh) of eternal return.
This ancient spiral is one of the oldest known symbols for personal power. Whirlpools, tornados—the sacred power takes you to the center. The spiral is a metaphor for personal vision and enlightenment.
Often those going on a vision quest will paint spirals on their bodies and believe the Great Mystery will favor them with visions of power and purpose. I urge you to do that. (Pic or it didn’t happen.)
The whirling dervishes of certain Sufi orders are the masters of the spiral. They can transcend to higher states of awareness through the repetition of this sacred movement. It’s said they can travel to the center of the spiral and return with any magical power they choose. In the dervish state, one enters the Great Silence. By spinning clockwise or counter-clockwise, the dervish draws or repulses certain energies. Can you find the right direction to repel this bad energy, Bent?
Having Grouse medicine in your cards means you need to take a meditation on the various qualities of movement within your world.
Begin by visualizing the sun as one member of a huge group of stars swirling in the massive pinwheel shape of the Milky Way.
Then, draw yourself out of this pinwheel of light and into the spiraling of your own DNA’s double helix.
Analyze the way you move through your world. How do you picture yourself in the act of “locomotion?” What kind of reaction do you create with the energy you send into the universe? What words would you use to describe the way you move through both the material and spiritual worlds?
End your analysis with this: Is your movement compatible with your greatest desires and goals?
Grouse is the opposite of traditional meditation. It is not a call for silence. It is not a call for stillness. What Grouse wants you to do is DANCE. It offers you this chance to dance as a gift.
The Grouse wants you to learn to dance as a creation of selfless beauty.
Dance, Bent Over Boyfriend! Find the groove that will keep people like this woman out of your life. Spiral in a way that repulses energy like hers. And spiral in a way that draws in the energy of brilliant lust and beauty.
Myself and the entirety of the animal kingdom have got your back.
Love,
Lady Jonathan
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