Lady Jonathan Tells All, #3
“The next level of this inner segregation is the distrust of the bisexual”
Dear Lady Jonathan,
I am a bisexual, single woman. I am more interested in dating a woman,
but I am finding it very difficult. I worry that it is because I’m
fem and don’t necessarily look gay. The few women who I have dated
and wanted something more serious with, have ditched me after a month
or so, I got the feeling it had to do with the fact that I had dated
men in the recent past. How can I put myself out there with women and
know that they are taking me seriously before my heart gets involved
and I’m disappointed again?
-- Two-Headed Mermaid
Dear Double Headed Mermaid,
So you are lucky enough to be bisexual. Awesome! You can enjoy the finer things in both sexes, each with their own differentiating genitals. I once wrote a poem that ends with the line, “Your genitals are all you have.” But bisexuality isn’t only about sex! It’s about being attracted to (and allowing yourself to be attracted to) the beauty in both genders. It’s the gorgeous predisposition of being able to connect intimately with either gender. Oh the possibilities!
Now that we’ve celebrated, let’s touch on THE WORLD and how it likes to hate.
Man, the gay community is brutal to the gay community. Mostly the men, yeah I said that, don’t care. Gay men openly talk endless shit on lesbians. They often appear to feel superior to gay women. More attractive, more interesting, more educated, more sane—in general, more desirable human beings. Well guess what, that just sounds like regular hetero male behavior. Hetero men have a history of believing they are superior to women. Oh yeah, right, misogyny. Can’t we let the women in the gay community, already marginalized—catch a fucking break from this? No, women don’t get to catch breaks, duh.
The next level of this inner segregation is the distrust of the bisexual—especially bisexual women. They can’t possibly be BISEXUAL—they are just CONFUSED, IMMATURE, NOT READY TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, SMOKING METH, DOING IT FOR ATTENTION. They are just SLUTS who will FUCK ANYTHING (more misogyny). Guess what? That sounds like a group of people distrusting “the other” just like heteros do with homos. Except as a bisexual, you are lucky enough to get this from all sides of the gender and sexual orientation community.
What I am saying is that I think a lot of people don’t trust you. They cannot and do not want to understand the duality of attraction. Not understanding means they don’t have to ask themselves new questions. It’s a safety issue. MUST STAY SAFE. They need you to define yourself a little more clearly. They want to know the TRUTH before liking you—is it men or women that you want to build your life with? They want to know which gender you are truly attracted to when you stop “experimenting.” They think, is she experimenting with me? Am I someone she wants to kiss in public or brag about to her male dates in the future? Oh wait, this sounds like fear.
Fear really fucks up the potential for beauty. Sounds like you, little mermaid, are terrifying.
There’s another issue here too. It’s called intimidation. As a bisexual, chances are you have more experience than others in the physical and emotional world of partnering. You’ve done it to both men and women, and navigated emotional ties to both as well. People behave very poorly when they are intimidated. Their confidence plummets and they build walls—they reject you so they can control the rejection.
So this awesome formula of intimidation, fear and distrust, is hanging like one of those lead bibs the dentist puts on you, between you and many of the women you’d like to deeply connect with. It majorly sucks.
So how do you put yourself out there with women and know that they are taking you seriously before your heart gets involved and you’re disappointed again?
Trying to prevent disappointment will just add another iron bib to the situation. “Two iron bibs, wtf!,” you say. I know, awful thought. All you can do is adjust your expectations to each scenario. Communicate with them in the beginning. You are going to have to be more open than most people in order to be understood/trusted. Listen to what people are saying to you. Ask them about their previous relationships and how those relationships ended. Ask them what they are looking for. Listen to that answer. Adjust your expectations accordingly. Take things super, super, super slow so your truths can be discovered. (That includes sex if you get attached from doing it.)
Since you appear hetero, take the lead in initiating conversations with women. Believe in yourself as a loving, open and genuine person. (If you are not that, start being that.) If you truly believe you are loving, open and genuine and are that, then you can face rejection with less pain. You’ll know it isn’t about you. It’s about the other person. Or society. Or base level human emotional intelligence. Or about the basics of attraction, which cannot be controlled.
The fact is, if someone rejects you for any reason, they aren’t the right person for you anyway. You want someone who as they get to know you, realizes they will do whatever it takes to keep you around. They want your energy, scent and spirit around them. They want to protect their access to a person they see as a bright light, a magnet, a chance encounter with magic.
Oh, and of course we have absolutely no control over other people. We can only control ourselves. Keep your eyes, ears and intuition wide open. As I always say and always completely mean, be true to yourself and your own happiness.
If you thought you were going to get through this heap of advice without extra advice from an animal, oh how wrong you were.
I’ve drawn the buffalo card in your honor. In the Lakota tradition it was the White Buffalo Calf Woman who brought the sacred pipe to the people and taught them to pray. The bowl of the pipe was the receptacle that held tobacco, an herb with male and female medicine. Because of the desire to give the gifts that its body provided, and because of its willingness to be used on Earth for the highest good before entering the hunting grounds of Spirit, Buffalo did not readily stampede and run from hunters. To use Buffalo medicine is to give praise for the richness of life to be shared with all races, all creatures, all nations, and all life. Let’s add all genders and all orientations. It means accepting the Great Mystery as a part of all things living in harmony. The Buffalo card asks us to recognize the sacredness in every walk of life, to honor another’s pathway, even if it brings us sadness. The meaning in this is clear.
I admit seeing the Buffalo’s message as a blueprint for your quest makes me feel emotional. It’s really beautiful.
You are a pioneer.
Bring the Great Mystery forth and chip away the chaos,
Lady Jonathan
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