All my asshole neighbors are so much better than me.
Kevin Byloos answers a “Rants and Raves” letter from Craigslist
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dkjn7-3487551411@pers.craigslist.org
Yeah, they have houses built in 2004 all around my 1939 piece of shit [according to them]. But now four of them have foreclosure signs on them and two others are vacant. Two of them just up and disappeared, no goodbyes, left in the middle of the night. These vermin excluded me from everything because I’m not up to par in my old worn our house or my old good will clothes. I have money, I just don’t waste it. Used stuff works for me. Snubbed in their new cars they bought from a second mortgage and y old 2007 piece of crap doesn’t fit in the neighborhood. I was constantly asked why I don’t lease or upgrade my car every year. Well, because I rarely drive and my 2007 only has 4000 miles on it.. I like my house and my old trees and my old driveway and my old 2007 car. Now I like the quiet street. One had the nerve to ask me today ”If something happens and we get evicted by the sheriff how long can you put up up in your house.” I told them my old home doesnt house people with new cars. Gutsy of them to ask though. One guy has a big truck and a big boat that never moves, but damn it sure looks cool hooked up sitting in the driveway 365 days a year.
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID:3487551411
http://portland.craigslist.org/mlt/rnr/3487551411.html
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Dear All my asshole neighbors are so much better than me,
Today I read your post in the Rants and Raves section of Craigslist, and I thought I’d go ahead and finally have it out with you. This is your across the street neighbor speaking now. That’s right. The one with the boat parked out front. So let me tell you what’s what. First of all, our house was built in 2003, and not 2004. While this detail may upon first read appear to be trivial at best, the truth is, having the year correct is of the utmost concern. In 2003, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King won the Academy Award for best picture, while in 2004, Million Dollar Baby won for best picture. Do you see just how different these two movies are? I’m sure you don’t, so I’m going to spell it out for you here, in brief. And I’ll also tell you why it’s important to note the 2003 date, with regard to our situation, especially our boat in front of the house situation, as opposed to how a home built in 2004 might or might not impact your understanding of our situation. Which it wouldn’t.
We live in a culture that does not seem to think that much of female boxers, but we love super old weird men who have cultivated a lifetime of success, combined with a tough-guy image. Clint Eastwood picked up an Oscar for Million Dollar Baby, but you couldn’t give most people in the United States a million dollars, or a baby, or both, for that matter, to spend an entire Saturday night of their lives, watching an entire boxing ticket featuring nothing but lady fighters. I’m not saying that I agree with it, it’s just the way that it is. On the other hand, the 3rd installment in the Lord of the Rings trilogy was just the second movie in history to gross over a billion dollars. Why? Because every woman in America, and some men, want to sleep with Viggo Mortenson in an Aragorn costume. Can you blame them? I’d also like to come home after a long day of work at the dentist’s office, and greet the King of Gondor with some lady favors, but that’s just me. And if you don’t love the King in this movie, then you love the Gollum. All of our friends talk about wanting to have like a private room in their homes, or in their basements, where they can just sit around, drink Oly from a 16-ounce can, smoke some weed, and just get high as shit with this dude. We think about it too, which makes us double invested in this movie. We want to bang the king at night, but we want to spend the rest of the day with Gollum, getting baked and watching cool shit on TV.
When you refer to us as “these vermin” in your missive, you are guilty of a massive oversight, which has to do with the Gollum. That dude epitomizes “vermin” and yet, he’s fucking awesome to hang out with. Like all-day-long hang out with. So yeah, we may be vermin, but hanging out with Gollum, like most Americans would like to do at least 3-4 days of every week going forward, makes us cool as shit. So what does that make you exactly? I’ll tell you what. Judgmental. That’s what. And if you think your house is “old” and “worn out” or if you think that your “good will clothes” are a big turn off, well, you should have just asked us what we actually thought. Dude. We hang out smoking reefer all day with the Gollum. In our basement. What did you think we dressed him in, a friggin’ Hugo Boss tuxedo? No. We bought him a flannel and some sweet cords from Good Will. That’s right. Shit. We would have invited you to hang out with us and the Gollum, provided you hooked us up with some 16-ouncers and maybe the occasional doob stick. And in the basement? We’re not “wasting any money” either – we spent every single penny we ever had, after we bought the boat, that is, on a friggin’ ring that looked important enough to make it worth the Gollum’s while to stay down there in the basement with us every single day. We just keep tellin’ him that there’s a ring somewhere in the house, or under the house, or whatever, and he goes on about that “precious this” and “precious that” garbage, and tries to tempt us to tell him where the ring is, but really, we’re always so stoned that none of us can remember exactly where we put it in the first place.
PS We had no idea that your 2007 car only had 4K miles on it. That’s super sweet, bro! So it’s basically “like new” but it’s got only a few more miles than a brand new car on the showroom floor. That’s really something to be proud of.
Wait! I just remembered where we hid the friggin’ ring! That was so cool! I was just thinking about how proud I am about your car and everything, and then I was trying to think about the last thing that I was super proud of, and it was the boat. The boat! We bought that boat to hide the ring from the Gollum! None of us has ever been out on a boat. Like ever! So we bought the boat to hide the ring in the gas tank, figuring the Gollum would never find it, and we could just get high as shit all day with him down in the basement drinking beers and waiting for the dude to find the ring. So glad I wrote this letter.
Anyway dude. Come over for Christmas next week. Let’s hang and smoke some weed and you can arm-wrestle the Gollum. Dude’s literally unbeatable, no matter how stoned you get. It’s awesome.
Ok. See you soon and thanks for caring so much about the neighborhood. Let us know if you really want the boat moved, and we can stick it in the driveway or something.
Best,
Big Truck and Non-Moving Asshole Neighbor Guy Across the Street
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