SEX:ED: Mature Themes
“I’m not into diapers or feces or rape fantasies or gang bangs”
SEX:ED is a column in which NAILED's Reyna Kohl steps very much outside her comfort zone to seek enlightenment on human intimacy and sexuality.
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K I N K. I have, honest and for true, never thought to type this word into Google. I was petrified when I did. I didn't think I would want to see what arrived on the screen as I pressed enter, and the search began. It turns out, the top result on my computer is the website for KINK FM. This is followed by Kink BMX bicycling supplies, then five sites connected to KiNK, who is apparently a Bulgarian DJ (actually good, I checked). Definitions of kink:
1. A tight curl, twist, or bend in a length of thin material, as one caused by the tensing of a looped section of wire.
2. A painful muscle spasm, as in the neck or back; a crick.
3. A difficulty or flaw that is likely to impede operation, as in a plan or system.
4. A mental peculiarity; a quirk.
5. An unusual or eccentric idea.
6. Slang Peculiarity or deviation in sexual behavior or taste.
Give me number six. That is what I am reluctantly looking for.
The words kink or kinky have never been a part of my vocabulary. It's not that I am closed off to new and interesting sexual experiences, but more that I have not been presented with any particularly kinky opportunity or scenario. And I've never felt especially kinky, independently. I wish I could say that I'd try anything once, but I can't. I'm not into diapers or feces or rape fantasies or gang bangs. These are things I know without having to try them out. Also, you may not believe this, but I have never watched porn on purpose. I am what some people might refer to as “vanilla.” (Although, in the interest of honesty--and probably too much information for any of my family members who might be reading: I once drunkenly went home with a strange couple I met at the bar. Maybe I'll show you the poem I wrote about it sometime.)
Turns out, finding information on this kink thing is not as simple as typing the word into a search engine. Kink means so many different things to different people, even when thought of in a purely sexual context. Let that roll around in your brain for a while.
This all started with talk of cuddle parties, and quickly migrated into much more interesting (and uncomfortable) territory.
I asked for an assignment and one of the NAILED publishers suggested that I seek out, attend, and write about a cuddle party (which has been done before, but which I still plan to do). I immediately thought of a friend of mine who would almost definitely be in the cuddle-party-know. I asked him to meet with me so I could get some information on cuddle parties, and possibly get an invite to one.
In his opinion, most cuddle parties turn into orgies eventually. I know this is not true because I've been doing some research. Nevertheless, orgy talk led to gang-bang talk, which simmered down into public sex talk and eventually we settled into a discussion of different environments/venues in which people feel free to express their sexuality, however it comes to them; whatever turns them on. The idea that there should be space and spaces for people to freely explore any and everything sexual, so long as there is mutual consent and safe practices, is the basis behind the sex-positive movement. But we'll get into all of that a little later.
Let's start small and sweet and relatively “vanilla”: Back to cuddle parties. The average cuddle party has little to nothing to do with sex. It does, however, have everything to do with touch, otherwise known as Vitamin T. Good touch. Safe touch. Consensual touch. Positive touch. Yep. There is a touch-positive movement, as well. The group with the biggest online presence seems to be Touch Positive Oregon, which is perfect, because that's where I live.
The idea of touching a familiar person, let alone a stranger, is very unnatural for many people in our society today. We are convinced that remaining separate and autonomous is the ideal way to be; intellectually, financially, physically. We build walls. We equate vulnerability and openness with weakness. Many people also develop a negative association with touch due to unpleasant experiences they have had in their lives. The philosophy behind the touch-positive movement and cuddle (or snuggle) parties is that human connection through physical contact is important and necessary for physical and mental wellbeing. Those involved in the movement are committed to promoting positive touch, and creating environments in which to employ (and enjoy) this practice.
One of the best ways to find out about cuddle parties in your area is to join and explore meetup.com. This is a site on which to organize and find out about different social events around town. You can join groups that suit your fancy and add yourself to the list of attendees on events that have been planned and posted (similar to the way Facebook event invites work). I had not been a member of meetup.com until two days ago, when I finally decided to start looking for cuddle parties on my own. One can remain fairly to totally anonymous on this site, but I was nervous just the same. What if someone, somehow recognized my screen name (really not possible)? What if I didn't know to disable some feature that shares my activity on my Facebook page (don't think that exists)? I was full of anxiety as I was joining, but soothed myself somewhat, by whispering creepily, “No one will ever know.”
I read up on how cuddle parties go. I went through different elaborate scenarios in my head. There are rules and guidelines regarding the appropriate ways in which to ask someone for a cuddle. “Would it be okay if I put my arm around your waist?” “Could I pet your hair?” “Would you mind if I stuck my tongue in your mouth?” Kissing is somehow included in the category of non-sexual touch.
Attendees are schooled on how to reject and be rejected gracefully. “I do not feel comfortable with you putting your arm around my waist at this time, but thank you for asking.” “Unfortunately, I am very sensitive about my hair, so I'll have to decline your offer. Thank you.” “I really don't feel like I'm ready for your tongue in my mouth now. Would you, instead, like to place your head on my shoulder?” I practiced an imaginary back and fourth while lying in bed at night. Would I end up rejecting every offer? No, I would not. This is for the sake of experience; for the sake of journalism! For the sake of NAILED and its readers. Rejection is not an option. I made a rule for myself: For every two Nos that come out of my mouth, there must be one Yes. I think that seems reasonable (as those who fall under the category “vanilla” often tend to be).
And so begins my journey of self-discovery? Sexual-liberation? My journey into the dungeonous abyss of S&M and Sex Magick? Into the weirdest series of experiences I have had in my life thus far? Yes. To all of these, probably Yes.
For my next trick: I attend a cuddle party and tell you all about it.
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