Poetry Suite by Bella
“How the flesh hugs onto the bone again”
Poetry by Bella
Illustration by Shannon Christie
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A note from the editor:
The poems below are sparing in their beauty and challenging in their content. Throughout Bella’s words you’ll find no floral language, no extravagance nor witticisms nor playful poetic whims. This poetry is blunt, terse, each syllable refined to a point. It speaks to abuse and trauma with a gut punch of stanzas, with stifling and scarring hurt. So why should you, dear reader, open yourself to this suite? Why welcome pain into your life?
Because the pain is only the surface of the story.
Because these spurs edge us onward, faster and bolder.
Because the scars are transformed by Bella’s words into badges of self-love, of grace.
And yet, what follows is only a sliver of the story. All of these poems are excerpted from Bella’s forthcoming collection — Side Effects of Remembering the Little Things — and have been selected to best give a glimpse into the larger narrative which her book unveils. For the full story, find Bella’s debut collection at lightshippress.com
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Hands
You’d always
show me
your hands
after.
Bloody,
bruised,
and cut.
Oh how sacrificial
you became.
I should be thankful
you made the wall
your church instead of
my body.
Let me praise
all the dents
that could’ve been
etched into my bones.
But no,
You’d never go that far.
No.
Just a sermon
of cursed words.
Teach me
how to worship you
the right way.
Ask for forgiveness.
Be a blessing.
Not let you sacrifice again
the hands that hold me
close at night.
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Sink
Eventually,
you learn all the ways
you make him act
like this towards you.
So angry.
And you start to regret yourself.
Ask yourself why you are like this.
You never used to be.
Eventually, you learn
all the ways to sink.
Become less.
Bury deeper into
explaining yourself.
How you’ll act better next time.
Eventually, you learn
all the ways to swallow.
Carefully choose all your words
and stuff the rest back down your throat.
Make them taste sweet.
Only speak when he wants to listen.
Eventually, you learn
all the ways to stay.
Because you, eventually, learn
to believe no one else
will love you like this.
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Goodbye
You haven’t left me yet.
I wonder how many goodbyes
it takes to not taste you
on another man’s lips.
How much time has to pass
to not feel your hands
whenever men touch me.
How many showers it takes
to scrub off the scent of you.
To not dress myself in the aftermath.
To not carry all the weight left over.
To not search for a body
that’ll prove you wrong.
Prove that I can be loved
the right way.
When can I take me back again?
When will I get
all the benefits
I thought were promised
after walking away?
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The Perfect Bandaid
An ode to my scars.
A daily reminder
of how the body
processes pain.
How it lets it soak
deep into the tissues.
Allows the experience
to rush into the bloodstream.
Feel the way
this pain makes
your heart beat.
And oh how it carries this new-found heaviness
with soft enough hands to bear how human I am.
And oh how beautiful it is
when the body pieces itself back together,
how the flesh hugs onto the bone again.
Look how the body heals after the wound,
is patient in the grieving process.
How it gives me the privilege of seeing
the steps of healing.
Lets me know that it is not impossible.
How it forgives with a scar.
The body’s way of saying:
look what you overcame.
The sweetest I love you.
The perfect bandaid.
Bella is a Southern California grown writer who resides in Portland, Oregon. She is the 2019 Portland Poetry Grand Slam Champion, and has performed at various events such as the WeMake Disrupt Conference, Invisible Spectrums and Intersect Fest. Her poem Joy will be featured in Black Arts Tables Anthology set to release in spring 2020. Bella’s poetry centers around her experiences being a woman of color, her eating disorder, abusive relationships, and the hope between it all. Side Effects of Remembering the Little Things is her debut book with Lightship Press (www.lightshippress.com). Through her work she hopes to create connection, conversation, and understanding so we all feel a little less alone. You can pre-order Bella’s book and find about more about Bella at bellapoetry.com.
Shannon Christie is a Southern California-born, Portland, Oregon-raised illustrator. She attended the University of Oregon where she majored in Psychology and minored in Studio Art. Collaborating makes the world go round for her, and she is hungry to continue using her talents to bring life to stories that provoke thoughtfulness, reflection, and personal growth. Her focuses on both psychology and art in her life give her inspiration and perspective on how a piece moves a person and how creativity connects us all.
You can find more of her work on her portfolio site, www.shannon‑christie.com, or follow her on Instagram at @whatshannondoes.