New Birth
“Watched my girlfriend scream in pain and puke all over the floor”
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November 7th, 2010 1:34am
Wow, S.
I never explore Facebook, but it is late and quiet in the house, so I decided to hop on, more out of boredom, than anything. I followed a video link to your profile and saw that your daughter had been born just a handful of days ago. I ran into K a month or so ago at a Graves show. He told me he had been corresponding with you regularly, and that it was getting pretty close to the time that your child would be born. How strange it seemed to me to hear such a thing! I knew that your girlfriend was pregnant, but I always forget how quickly time flies. It creates such a jolt when these types of things sneak up and surprise. I am so truly happy for you and amazed and weirded out, all in the best of ways, of course. This makes me feel so old; so distant from the young self that lived in a different world with you. It makes me want to cry, but not because I am sad for growing older, or becoming a different person, or allowing certain deep connections to change (though this is always a bit of a gnawing regret), but because I am overwhelmed with how ultimately unpredictable and amazing this life is. How fucking beautiful that everything just arranges itself in a way that works, somehow. This is not to say that one has permission to lay back and let the universe take care of things as it will, but that in moments of worry and questions about the future, all is not on your shoulders. Maybe. I don't know what I'm trying to say, I guess, other than: WOW (which, if you forgot, was my first word, but I seem to revert to it when I don't quite know what to say)! I am just so happy for you and happy for your girlfriend. I am also happy for your parents. I can only imagine how crazy ecstatic your mom is right now. Maybe I will still be able to come visit someday. I have kind of had this longstanding date with Germany, and I haven't yet followed through. I would love to meet E! And her mother, of course!
Anyway, I just wanted to say congratulations! I love you S! I wish you the best, and I hope that we can manage to keep in touch.
-R
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November 19, 2010 6:11 am
Hi R,
If you can believe it, this is actually the first chance I've had to sit down and respond to your email--being a dad and a rocker is a lot of work!
Thanks so much for all the kind words. I miss you a lot, but I think you know that. You're the first person I look up when I'm in P-town.
Yeah, baby world is strange and amazing. E's only a little over two weeks old but N and I feel like we've known her all our lives. She changes and grows day by day, its pretty incredible. It’s the first time I've been truly, deeply in love with anyone. Both of us just spend hours just gazing at her. I'll send you some pics via email here soon. She loves music, even classical. She likes movies and the internet screen and bright things. She has some cute little sounds she makes and she loves her baby formula.
It was so crazy when she was born too. I was there for the whole thing, all six or seven hours of it. Watched my girlfriend scream in pain and puke all over the floor. Watched the Russian looking midwife do her work; even got to snap the umbilical cord myself. She was born at 6:45am, November 2nd, a healthy little girl.
And yes, my mom is pooping her pants in ecstasy. She's already sent like 3 or 4 packages of baby clothes, books, and baby things. I'm hoping to take the fam to the US for January and February, and stay in San Diego. But I'm also hoping to make a trip up to PDX. In fact I'm booked for a house show/party on the 29th of Jan.
Germany continues to be fascinating and fun, and of course, your date with this country is still open, as far as I'm concerned. I know you'd fucking love it here and have a blast. Never a dull moment really.
Miss you lots. Hope all is well.
Much love, R. Be well and please don't take so long before writing me back.
Liebe Grüße, S
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November 19, 2010 11:06am
So cool. All of it (except for maybe the screaming and puking and blood squirting out of the eyeballs--wait. was that part of the story?) That is so rad that you might come for a visit! I really hope you do. It'll be a different PDX experience with family in tow, I imagine, but not one any less lovely. I have heard people talk of their experiences with having a child, how amazing and beautiful it is. How looking at your new child makes everything fade away, and all you know is that you must care for and protect this being with all of yours. Everything suddenly makes sense, at least for that moment. Sometimes I feel like, if only for the sake of having the fullest possible human experience, I would like to have a child. I mean, you never know. I think, really, that I am thirty and my biological clock is like, "tick-tock, tick-tock," in that initial whisper that it uses before it drowns out everything for some people. Well, I'm gonna be shoving that off for as long as I possibly can, and, honestly, I cannot imagine myself ever with a secure place in this world, let alone a child (though, I bet you thought the same thing. Then it just happens).
Anyway, I hope to see you soon! And I will keep Germany in my mind as a future (hopefully not too far into it) destination!
Love, R
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November 21, 2010 6:06am
Yeah, as I mentioned when I was in PDX last time, neither of us expected to have a kid, nor were we intending on it. It just happened. I grappled with this new fact for a while, and then realized it was truly a gift and that the time was right. I don't know--something inside you truly changes. I think the most impactful part was when N was still pregnant--the first time I felt E's little feet kicking around in her stomach. You just know it’s your child and everything just hits you. You just know you have to be there and you want to be there.
And yes, life changes drastically once a new little helpless person comes. Your personal life slows down a lot. You have to cater to the wishes of your child, who is generally hungry, crying or sleeping--and when you think you have a spare moment, you're wrong. Somehow the baby senses it and makes sure you don't go anywhere. You stay with her. It’s pretty funny really.
That said, the music business is going fine. In fits and starts, but good. I'm signed on with a publishing company in Berlin and starting to attract bigger bookers and agencies. I was in Switzerland last month for a tour with my band there, called the Accountants. There's also a label there that wants to sign me. I actually like Switzerland a lot. You make great money there and get treated like a king. I stayed for a few days next to Lake Geneva while I was doing some shows there. That was awesome. They had a city-wide art display where the artist decorated all the buildings in town with photos and paintings that were etched into the walls, but designed to flake off after about a year. There was an amazing huge photo of a prostitute from the early 1900s draped over what used to be the city jail. Great stuff.
There's also a giant fork sticking out of Lake Geneva. Its things like these I like about living in Europe.
I just finished my third album that I recorded here in Berlin in an old Soviet loft. Okay, that's not true. It just sounded good. But I did record my album in this giant old loft--so now I have two albums out that haven't been released.
Played in Hamburg last week with a backing band. That was strange--a band I'd never played with knew all my songs and lyrics. Weird. Then afterward the booker girl and I went dancing at what was formerly a Nazi bunker that was converted into a nightclub (that one I'm not lying about).
How is your mama? I miss you.
Soon, S.
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