Lady Jonathan Tells All, #20
“Against the backdrop of your hometown basic bitches”
To “Lady Jonathan,”
I will try to summarize my problem in hopes you have a suggestion for me. Although the actual problem is not me, it’s everyone I used to call “friends,” and my only relative, my brother.
I got married three years ago to my dream man. He’s a successful, and good-looking lawyer. I know all my friends were jealous, We are from a small town and always dated losers. The two friends who are married married, yes, losers. But they were supportive (at first), and helped to plan my wedding along with my brother. It was important for me that my brother was there and walked me down the isle. Our parents died, one in a car crash, the other to cancer five years ago, my brother was all I had (and he’s a terrible person).
Anyway, somewhere in the middle of wedding planning, he turned my friends against me, all seven of them. I just can’t believe it. My husband says they were never my friends, but I felt like they were. The wedding was awful and tense. They all showed up in their dresses (very expensive, but thoughtfully and tastefully picked by me so that they’d get to wear them again – not a one time thing like most bride’s maid’s dresses), but didn’t look at me or say hardly anything, not even congratulations. I cried and cried. My husband was so mad he kicked my bride’s maid and her husband out of the reception. No toast, they just sat there eating our food and drinking our beer and wine. It was a horrible scene caused by two horrible people, smokers, too. Basically, they are simple people who have no class. They ruined my wedding and I was so upset that I couldn’t enjoy the honeymoon in the tropical destination where we went.
The wedding was simple, tasteful and elegant, but it’s forever ruined. Every anniversary, I have to think of these people and what they did instead of my wonderful, smart, and hot husband.
One time since my wedding I asked my FORMER best friend and MAID OF HORROR, what happened. She said “no one likes my husband” and that I have changed. Basically she blamed me, would not take any responsibility and said I was acting like a victim and “I knew what I did!!” I DID NOTHING TO THEM. My husband tells me that all of the time. I know they are just jealous, but it’s painful for me.
I think my brother did something to turn them all against me one week before. Everything was fine until then. My brother was an ass to me and my husband at the wedding. He was supposed to be our wedding planner. We were going to pay him rather than pay a professional, which was a HUGE mistake. He hasn’t had the balls to ask for the money and if he did, we’d tell him to f-off!!! He turned my friends against me and ended up not buying the champagne that I asked for (and paid for!), and instead got the lower quality Moet Chandon WHITE STAR. He knew that would bother me, and yes, it ruined my wedding reception. Oh and cupcakes instead of a cake. Cupcakes. Ugh.
That was three years ago and even though I don’t have these “friends” anymore, I have my husband. I’m not a person to hold a grudge. I am a successful career woman at an insurance firm. My husband and I have a very nice house. We invest our money wisely, unlike most of my EX-friends, and are careful with spending. We love animals and give to charity for those less fortunate. I don’t see why my “friends” have turned on me. My husband says they can all fuck off, he hates them all, including my brother. All this is why they are so jealous. Do you think they ruined our wedding on purpose?
Until last week, I missed my friends. I was ready to forgive if they’d ask me to. But then, the capper – I saw a picture on my brother’s Facebook of him, my former best friend, and two of the other girls AT PANDORA KARAOKE in a private room, all smiles and fakery. I have been crying ever since. I just want them to say they were wrong and ask for forgiveness.
I don’t even know what I am trying to ask, how to make them know they are wrong? Should I write a long letter, or make a short video. But my husband will be mad if I do. I’d have to email it since I quit Facebook after the wedding. I can see what they post because I have an account for my dog Freckers, a multi-poo that my former best friend helped me pick up from the breeder. She doesn’t even care about Freckers anymore????
I guess I am writing to you because I like how you answer with very long answers, unlike most advice columnists. I’d rather read your suggestions than go to a weirdo therapist and talk forever. Plus, my husband won’t go to therapy.
He doesn’t know I am writing, which is why I want you to disguise me as much as possible. You could say I live in NY. I have always thought I belong in NY –somewhere near the Hamptons. Miami is too crass. I hope you are in some way educated to deal with problems this complex? I don’t know anything about your skill set and Google is a dead end.
I guess my question for “Lady Jonathan,” if that’s a real person (or even better, two or three people who can brainstorm a thorough answer), is 1) how I can get my friends to apologize, and 2) get my husband to agree to let them back in my life? My brother too. He’s all I have as far as family. I don’t see us spending holidays together, but he needs to apologize. The strain is causing my husband to drink and causing me to cry. Please help if you can.
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Hello No Name,
Oh dear. Your anxiety about this matter is palpable even through this piece of metal I am staring at to type a response. Thank you for writing. You really do need help. I am here for you.
You know, human beings can really be the worst. They can be so cruel and careless and self absorbed. Not to mention infinitely confused! I am sorry these people hurt you. You must feel utterly betrayed.
Betrayal is extremely painful, but that’s not all. The effects of betrayal include loss and grief, total shock, morbid pre-occupation, damaged self-esteem, self-doubting, and anger. Sound familiar? You are in the throws of all that betrayal brings to your house when it shows up as your unexpected new roommate. Thanks for everything, betrayal!
I’d like to take you on a small walk through the reality of this scenario that has your heart racing and your eyes filling with water.
I’m going to start by breaking something down for you in a very succinct manner. Please look at the following list of nine adjectives:
Jealous
Loser
Horrible
Simple
Classless
Traitor
Trashy
Trampy
Bad with money
Now I have two questions for you based on this list of adjectives.
If when describing you, someone used the above adjectives, how would you feel about them? Would you want them to consider you a friend even though they think you are a jealous, horrible loser who is simple and classless not to mention trashy, trampy and a total traitor?
When thinking about what kind of people you’d like to have in your life, do the above adjectives cover what you’re looking for?
As I’m sure you have guessed, these are the adjectives you used to describe your friends. When introducing these people to me, you introduced them as all of these things. WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH THESE PEOPLE?
We’ll get back to my all-caps question in a minute. Before that I want you to realize that it’s fucked up of you to want these people in your life that you clearly do not respect or even like. They are human beings too and just like you, should be surrounded by other human beings who don’t secretly think they are disgusting. If you give the slightest shit about them (do you?) then you should do them a favor and stay away from them. I’m not saying you’re the bad guy; this is just reality.
Now back to my question. Seriously. Why do you want to be friends with these people? You can’t stand them. They offer you nothing. They are not funny, supportive, loyal, inspiring, or kind. They don’t respect you. They collectively don’t give a shit about your happiness to the extent that they are comfortable making you unhappy when given the chance, at a very important moment in your life.
Have you asked yourself this question? If yes, ask yourself again. And then ask yourself again.
There are of course many things that could be going on as far as why you want these people you detest in your life. You may have attachment issues brought on by the traumatic death of your parent in a car crash, followed up by losing the other parent to cancer. People with attachment issues can be totally illogical about maintaining relationships; because ending a relationship can feel like a death, which brings up feelings of complete terror. These people hold on to others for dear life because loss = terror. And sometimes, the person they are holding on to is really whack, or abusive, or useless, etc.
Alternatively, you could like keeping people like this around because they make you feel better about yourself. You speak about yourself in opposition to them as someone who isn’t a loser, who makes the right choices, and who married a man that conjures up jealously in others. Against the backdrop of your hometown basic bitches, you are a shining star. But what if the backdrop is a group of women who all have hot and successful husbands, good jobs, nice houses and the ability to frolic on tropical beaches with hard bodies in white bikinis several times a year? Who would you be then? Would you feel insecure? These are just questions for you. I don’t know the answers.
The saddest thing you said in your letter to me was, “Every anniversary, I have to think of these people and what they did instead of my wonderful, smart, and hot husband.”
You know why it’s sad? Because it’s total bullshit.
What I am seeing here is another textbook effect of betrayal– it can cause mental contamination. The betrayer becomes a source of contamination. Your brother and questionable friends have contaminated your wedding. Now when you think of it, it has been “ruined.” What do you do if the water at your house becomes contaminated? Try to filter it or move the fuck out. For you, I recommend the latter.
“These people” aren’t ruining your anniversary; you are. Your husband is being punished for the fact that you kept these assholes in your life for some reason, and then they acted like the assholes that they are. Why should he be ignored for those coal-hearted simple folk? He has the sense to know they aren’t worth his time or your time.
Yet you’re letting this situation take up so much emotional real estate! You’ve rented your entire condominium building to these inconsequential people. Where is your husband supposed to live? Where is your happiness supposed to wake up in the morning?
Seriously, you’ve got to knock it off and remember (or learn) that you are in charge of your own happiness.
Here are the basics: If you want to be happy, eliminate the things in your life that make you unhappy when possible. For example, no one gives a shit if you ever talk to this hag squad again. In fact, your closest confidant would be thrilled. You could just eliminate them! You do not need for THEM to say what you want them to say to make YOU happy.
Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about your brother. This is hugely different than the gag gang you want retribution from. He’s your only relative and you guys need to have a healthy bond. The unfortunate thing is that you can’t force him to have the kind of relationship you want to have with him. He needs to meet you halfway. Try to focus on unconditionally loving him and giving him the space and time to come to you. If he hurts you again and again, please remember that you have your own family now, and you (simply must) have friends that deeply care about you. You are not any less of yourself or your family if he’s not around. You are still connected to your parents and everyone else in the bloodline. Remember that. (I feel like I need more intel on why you consider your brother a horrible person so that I can better understand what’s at stake here. Feel free to write me again.)
Now for your questions:
Do you think they ruined our wedding on purpose?
I think they didn’t give a shit about your wedding. That ended up “ruining” your wedding because you felt shunned and disrespected. That wasn’t a group plan though. If they wanted to ruin the wedding, they would have stood you up.
I don’t even know what I am trying to ask, how to make them know they are wrong?
You know, they might already know what they did was wrong, but they don’t care enough to come clean. They could have even known it was wrong WHILE they were doing it. But they still did it. What difference does it make if they know they are wrong? Literally. It won’t change the wedding, your feeling of betrayal, or the pain.
Should I write a long letter, or make a short video?
Will that make you feel better? Only do that if it will make YOU feel better. Don’t do that to hurt them or get a response. Then it will just backfire. Personally, I’d prefer you not give them a single drop more of your energy. The world is BIG. Find something else to do. Spend that energy on having fun with your husband.
4. How I can get my friends to apologize?
Repeat after me: Who gives a fuck if they apologize? Again: Who gives a fuck if they apologize? Again: Who gives a fuck if they apologize? Their apology will literally change nothing. They will still be the assholes that messed up your wedding day and then shunned you. They will still be traitor losers with loser husbands.
5. How can I get my husband to agree to let them back in my life? My brother too.
Don’t try to make your husband lower his standards for who he allows in his life. What if your husband was friends with a group of guys that sat around all day playing poker, smoking Newport Menthols, and watching porn on a plasma screen together and was like, babe, I need you to hang out with these guys even though they did really mean things to me that made me cry and cry. You’d be like, “Oh HELLLLL no.”
I know you probably wanted a plan of action to get those basic bitches to have an awakening and apologize, and that if that happens all of your memories will magically erase and your anniversary won’t make you cry anymore. But the only sane and self-assured plan of action is to shake your head at how ridiculous those assholes are. Maybe even picture them in your head as a bunch of actual assholes with legs and styled hair trying to saunter around looking down at everyone else.
Here’s what you’re going to do. This is a visualization exercise: Put those women on an island, grab Freckers and your hot and infinitely patient husband, and sail away, sail away, sail away. When you start to feel the sadness and betrayal creeping back in, imagine that island getting smaller and smaller in the distance as you continue to sail away. Think about how good the wind feels on your face as you leave them behind. I also need you to listen to this song every day. This is your new anthem. Play it loudly.
The thing is, your friends already live on an island. And it’s not a place I’d ever want to visit, ever. Let them walk around their tiny world as they so please. It sounds super lame.
No Name, I hope you don’t think I’m being hard on you. I just hate that you are experiencing so much turmoil over something you can completely control.
So let’s do a quick roundup of what we’re taking off your plate:
No more worrying WHY they did what they did. You know you did nothing.
No more caring if they know what they did was wrong because it’s irrelevant. It happened and cannot unhappen.
Can’t be bothered to pay attention to their social activities. (If this means Freckers doesn’t have an active Facebook account, then so be it. Freckers couldn’t give two dog shits about Facebook or Karaoke for that matter.)
You’ll no longer allow them to make you miserable. You signed all of their permission slips and now you need to rip them up.
You get to stop brainstorming what to say, what to do, what the letter will say, who will film the video, what you’ll wear in the video, how you’ll get it to them, what will happen once they watch it, and so forth.
With all of that off of your plate—what will you do with your extra energy and positivity? You’re sailing away and you can go wherever you want. No Name, get ready to feel the combined body weight of your hometown girls lifted off your shoulders. You’re free!
I wonder what medicine the animal kingdom would offer you in this situation, do you? Let me draw a card IRL.
Hum-dee-hum-hum. I spy a snake. While this card is pictured upright, when I drew this card it was upside down, which alters the meaning of the medicine.
The shedding of a snakes skin represents the transmutation of the life-death-rebirth cycle. It brings the knowledge that all things are equal in creation and that things that might be experienced as poison (your friends) can be eaten, ingested, integrated, and transmuted if you have the right state of mind.
When this card is pulled for you it means there is a need inside of you to transmute some thought, action or desire so that wholeness may be achieved. This is heavy magic—are you ready for it?
However, as I mentioned I drew this card in reverse, which means something pretty profound in your situation. It means you have chosen to mask your ability to change. This card tells you to look at the idea that you may fear changing in your current life because it may entail a short passage into discomfort. Does this discomfort keep you from accessing your transformative magic? It asks—is this pattern safe, reliable, in a rut? Really, snake medicine asks that.
It wants you to know that in order to glide beyond that place that has become nonproductive, you must become a snake. Shed the outer skin of your current identity and find a new rhythm as you glide across the sands of consciousness. If you can feel the snake’s rhythm, you will dance freely, incorporating those transmutive forces of the universe as the dance of your power.
No Name, this is a perfect message for you. Snake is very powerful medicine and you’d be wise to follow its lead.
Apologies again if I sound harsh. I really do care about you and don’t think you’re a bad person. I’m so excited for you to move past this mess and drench yourself in freedom and light. It’s high time for an exorcism.
Lotsa Love!
Lady Jonathan
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