Lady Jonathan Tells All, #15
“why they are called toys instead of apparatuses or climax assistance objects”
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I've never tried playing with...toys. I'm just a little shy about it. I'm creative and like surprises, but maybe I'm just a little too "organized" in the bedroom...even though it's mostly just me in there. I think trying something new is in order. Any ideas?
--Miss Lonely Pants
Hi Lonely Pants!
Toys are fun. That’s why they are called toys instead of apparatuses or climax assistance objects, for example. But it’s totally normal to be nervous about playing with them. They are something we hide in our drawers, under our beds, in unsuspecting bins stored high in our closets. That’s definitely what our parents did.
Sometimes it can feel like sexual encounters/experiments should only be with human bodies. Like, it’s one of the only pure things that one can do to find really intense pleasure that doesn’t require outside resources or manmade anything. That’s all true.
Other times though, who cares? You’ve gotta live your life in exciting, experimental, ways. You have to coddle your curiosities. They keep you alive! They open all the doors that lead to magic multicolored lands, cosmic pleasure centers, and giant blue skies with swirling eagles.
Let’s take a practical approach. Here’s a plan:
Start with something that doesn’t look like a gigantic black dick or a ten-foot string of phosphorescent [anal] beads. Find something discrete that vibrates.
As you know, your clit is your best friend. Make sure the vibration isn’t loud. Basically, eliminate any possible reason to feel infringed upon or embarrassed by the object.
There are very tiny vibrators. There are vibrators shaped like eggs, flashlights, some made with material you’ve never seen in your life, there are even REAL GOLD ones.
Pick something that you feel comfortable bringing into your bed with you. Prepare for it not having enough power to get you off. Prepare for it having too much power and turning you into an over stimulated, bouncing, vibrating, brainless body. Prepare for it to feel so good that you cancel all of your forthcoming social plans for at least a week.
Feel weird about going into a sex shop? Understandable. Who even KNOWS what types of people are in there, right? (Totally normal people.) What will the employees even ask you? (They are so good at not making you feel weird.) Let me introduce you to your savior in this matter: THE WORLD WIDE WEB.
Here are some useful links:
Adam & Eve
Babeland
Too Timid
Holistic Wisdom (not joking)
Via the Internet, can read reviews in private and imagine which objects you’d feel good about having on your privates.
I do believe in design as a system of attraction. Search for something you are attracted to.
Once you become comfortable with the vibrator and have made it past the first barrier—acquiring a sex toy—consider what else seems sexy to you. If you have a partner who is male, I can pretty much guarantee he’s into assplay. He may want to try a prostate stimulator, which looks like a small dildo that is curved and vibrates gently.
You may want a large dildo that vibrates or doesn’t vibrate. You might want something you can both use at once. Those things exist (see: We-Vibe).
You may find that you aren’t really into them. You may find that you are accessing a part of your sexuality that makes you feel free like a Swede’s blonde hair in the wind, or hardcore vixened-out like the physical embodiment of leather, lace and heavy black eyeliner. You may be really bad at choosing toys and decide that they don’t even feel good.
These are all possibilities.
But we love possibilities! Free yourself from that latched baby gate preventing you from just trying a toy out. No one will give you your own freedom. You’ve got to give it to yourself.
You have 48 hours to order something.
You know you want to.
Also, I think this is the most practical advice I’ve ever given in this column.
Let’s choose an animal card for animalistic inspiration.
WHO?
I’ve drawn the owl card upside-down.
Drawing an owl upside-down card means you may have been deceived greatly by yourself or another.
The message is to befriend the darkness inside yourself. Look deeply and soon a bright light will appear and illuminate you.
Then, ask yourself what you are in the dark about.
Have you lied to yourself about something or someone? Are you being greatly deceived or just slightly deceived?
Remember that the owl is always asking, “WHO?”
“WHO cares if you have an arsenal of sex toys? “
“WHO told you it wasn’t ‘organized’ to do so? “
I believe a human’s sexuality is constantly evolving, if given the opportunity to.
Welcome to your new adventure, Miss Pants. The world is big and you are verging on a very fun discovery.
As the world turns,
Lady Jonathan