Lady Jonathan Tells All, #12


“Don’t have sex ON her, have sex WITH her.”


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Dear J-Lady

I live in a rented house with two of my other bros. Bro's? We work
together, hang out together, rap together, and generally bro out all
the time. When it comes to the ladies, well, we're all in the game, ya
know. But -- if I'm honest with you -- none of us really gets to have
their way with the fairer sex. That includes me, of course. So what's
up? Am I just too bro for the ladies? Do I have to leave my bros
behind if I ever expect to get down?

Take it sleazy,
Adam

 


Hi Adam,

I can totally help you, bro. This help is going to come in two forms. First, I will detail certain assumptions about bros that keep babes at a distance. Through that you will gain insight into what your bro-ness is saying to the world. Afterward, I will present you with what I consider the only way to catch babes in your bro web without having to bail on being a bro.

Let’s begin.

When a woman identifies that a particular man is a bro, and considers hooking up with him, being his FWB or even (omg bro) dating him, this is what she’s afraid of:

  • Your shower has one bar of dried up dial soap on the floor and nothing else.

  • You do not have a fitted bottom sheet on your bed, indicating that fluids from you or other women are allowed to freely soak into your mattress, which is then laid on as the flat sheet twists away in the night.

sickmattress.jpg
  • You think all women are dumb bitches.

dumb-bitch.jpg
  • You have awful taste in shoes.

  • You have at one point in your life been obsessed with Phish, Dave Matthews or Pearl Jam.

  • Your only weed-smoking apparatus is a three-foot, purple, plastic bong.

  • You try and stick your thumb up a girl’s ass when you hook up with her so you can brag to your bros about it.

THUMBS-UP-BRO-200x300.jpg
  • You assume every girl that kisses, fucks, or spends more than ten minutes around you wants to be in a relationship with you.

  • You are emotionally repressed.

  • You see love as something to avoid and if avoidance is not possible, something to hide, AT ALL COSTS, from your bros.

  • The baseball cap you wear backwards or sideways smells.

  • You want to recreate your favorite hardcore porn clip in the bedroom, on the first date.

  • You have at some point actually said out of your own bro mouth the really fucking lame saying, “Bros Before Hos.”

  • You prefer to be with your bros 98% of the time and feel that hanging with a chick is an inconvenience unless she’s on your cock.

  • You stay up all night playing video games with your bros and sleep until 4pm.

  • You hate texting.

  • You get in bar brawls.

  • Your car is embarrassing in one way or another. It’s an outdated sports car, it’s a lowered Honda civic, it’s a truck with too much of a lift, it has a No Fear sticker on it.

  • You have poor hygiene.

  • The only alcohol you have in your house is cheap beer by the case.

  • You are immature.

  • You aren’t intelligent.

  • You would be really embarrassing to travel to Paris with.

Of course I’m not saying any of all of these things are true for you, bro! I just want you to know that this might be what a girl is worried about when she identifies that you are, in fact, a bro. If you like a girl, make sure you show her that the above assumptions don’t apply to you. Buy some shampoo and a fitted sheet for a start, learn to roll a joint, pick up some scotch, or read an interesting book—for example.

Okay, bro are you ready for this? I’m about to tell you the only way that a bro can snag a decent chick who hasn’t already had 6 kamikaze shots:

Be a good guy.

Like, really, really good. Be super kind and thoughtful. Ask her to text you when she gets home to make sure she’s safe. Listen to her. Ask her questions about her life. Enjoy her as a woman when you are in bed, how beautiful she is, how good she smells, how soft she is, even if it is just for one night. Surprise her with adventures. Use your bro energy for total non-stop good times. Don’t have sex ON her, have sex WITH her. Make sure your bros know that it’s not cool to treat her in any way other than with total respect. Help her when she needs help. Smile. Be warm. Hold hands. Don’t lie. Be honest about how you feel, good or bad, but say the bad gently. And last but not least, shower and wash your clothes when you are going to see her.

What I’m saying is that a girl will overlook bro-ness if the bro is a real sweet heart who’s extra fun to hang out with. Like you have to be the most golden-hearted dude she’s met since kindergarten. Kindness casts a very large shadow. Large enough to cover bro-ness.

Plus, if you believe in being a bro and want bro-ness to continue to flourish in the world, then you might benefit from giving it a slightly better name.

Let’s pull an animal card and see what it can teach you, bro.

Bro! I pulled a swan!

Maybe you’ve read The Ugly Duckling and already have an unconscious understanding that Swan indicates transformation. The particular transformation that Swan goes through happens through the portal of femininity. That swirling dark cloud that you feel drawn to is swirling with feminine energy. In order to enter the swirl and experience Dreamspace, you have to surrender to “what is” and not fight it. If you are resisting your transformation, you need to chill out, bro. Stop denying that you know who is calling when the phone rings. Pay attention to your hunches and your gut knowledge and honor what is feminine—your intuition.

Sounds to me like you’ve written me because you have caught a glimpse of that swirling cloud and can feel the magnetism that is pulling you toward it—which consequently is pulling you away from your bros. Ride out the round and round and surrender to what’s next for you. I believe that there is a woman who is going to guide you to your next transformation. And if you remember the storybook I mentioned, what lies on the other side for Swan in any form of transformation is beauty and grace. Look for that woman. You’ve written because you know she’s coming.

Good luck on your journey! Life can be really exciting!

Laters bro!

Lady Jonathan

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You can follow Lady Jonathan on Twitter here.

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Query Lady J yourself: tellladyjonathan@gmail.com or, if anonymity is required, then use the contact form below. By submitting a request for advice, you are agreeing to our terms statement.


Lady Jonathan

I studied the dark arts on the dance floor in Western Europe. With one black cat, I travel to obtuse destinations, like hot tubs, to study humanity and the complex psychology behind it. My wisdom comes from a double helix coded by the mountains, the sea and the silence of a stalking puma. While impossible to locate, I am quite excellent at returning emails and keeping secrets. So, tell.

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