Lady Jonathan Tells All, #9
“Why wouldn’t women “in nature” be drawn to as much seed as they can get?”
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Dear Lady Jonathan,
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 12. We
are just starting to open ourselves up to the idea of letting each
other occasionally sleep with other people. We are not interested in
letting each other date other people long term or even have sex with
the same person for an extended amount of time, because we want to
avoid getting attached. Neither of us has acted on this, and I go back
and forth about whether I think it would be a good idea. We want to
keep our sex lives exciting and we have fallen into a routine that
bores both of us, which ultimately leads to less sex in general and
sexual frustration. I would really appreciate your advice and
insight!
--A. D.
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Hello After Death,
Have you guys tried smoking meth and then having sex? Meth makes things really sexy.
Have you considered picking up some crack rocks and a small glass pipe and just romping it out like craaaaazay?
Joking.
I read this great New York Times Article, “Unexcited? There May Be a Pill for That.” The pill they are talking about is Lybrido, which is supposed to “switch on lust.” This pill came about when doctors reported that when asking married women about their health, they frequently complained about their lackluster sex life. These women weren’t complaining because they hated sex, or even hated their partners. They couldn’t really explain why but they just didn’t feel like fucking.
The thing is, these women were easily aroused in other ways. When lead through stories about sex with strangers, or shown porn, they were totally aroused. However, stories about doing it to their husbands did not lubricate them.
This made me think of the annoying cliché that women won’t “give it up” after marriage and that men are these sex-starved victims, trapped in the confines of “The Wife” which seems synonymous with “School Marm.” It’s disgusting. First off all, not true. Let’s just say “I know people” (women) who have higher sex drives than their partners. Are more adventurous in fact! Second of all, shut up Society, about how it’s natural for men to want to spread their “seed” for survival, and for women to remain monogamous to protect their children and weaker selves. This actually doesn’t happen in nature. Why wouldn’t women “in nature” be drawn to as much seed as they can get?
I don’t mean to get off topic, A.D.! Back to the point, the article is saying is that women may need variety. Homosexual males have been able to successfully navigate committed relationships despite the occasional stranger sex scenario for a long time now.
Why can’t heteros figure it out? I feel like it’s probably a society thing. It’s not like married heteros ALL OVER THE WORLD AND BACK aren’t fucking strangers anyway. We just hide it in a tiny, shame painted locker, along with our Internet search histories of really vile porn links. How can we evolve into accepting this as an option for committed heterosexual relationships?
That is not to say that this is the right decision for you. It just means that as an option, it’s not off base at all.
First things first, I don’t believe this is a good idea unless you both genuinely and truly have each other’s best interests and happiness set as top priority in all things. Can you trust your husband to not make decisions that will hurt you? I mean really trust him? Can you trust him to know what may hurt you even if you are not vocalizing it? This is a must.
I think you are doing the right thing by communicating and setting rules. Make the rules very clear. One example of a rule might be, no sleeping with anyone under 23 years old, or whatever else might add to potential jealousy or insecurity.
I urge each of you to vocalize or write down exactly how you see this scenario playing out. The transcript may look or sound something like this:
You (husband) meet someone out at that party I didn’t feel like going to and you start making out in the bathroom where no one we know might see. [Notice this may lead to a rule about who is allowed to witness these adventures.] You (husband) go back to her place, which is not as nice as our place. You guys listen to moody (but obvious) music and fuck quickly with zero eye contact. You stay for a while being kind. You come home, shower and get in bed with me.
As I write that transcript, thereby imaging the scenario, I can see a few places where I may want to reexamine the rules and reality of the situation. Have your partner do the exact same thing about how he sees his own experiences and how he sees yours. Talk about it. Compare. This will help make sure your expectations are in line, and also give you a dose of reality I think.
If you do decide to go through with this, focus on how you feel in the scenario. How you still love your husband and nothing will change that, but that you are just having a life experience. If you start feeling weird at about 2:07am when your husband isn’t home, remember that feeling, and know that he loves you too. Tell him to do the same.
Have you considered starting slowly by introducing someone new to both of you in the bedroom? I am talking about a threesome. Maybe if you both experience sex with another person at the same time, you can gauge better if it will work for you. You can find people on Craig’s List. Other couples or singles who are into coupling.
Like this lady in Portland who might be interesting if she didn’t use the term “jealous bitch” which automatically excludes her as an evolved human female:
Or this dude in Montana:
Or this babe who loves sand volleyball (!) in Sioux City:
I’d like to add that doing it with other people also isn’t your only option for getting laid more frequently. I’m not going to tell you to try role-playing, go shopping for toys, give each other sensual massages or to try watching porn together, because duh you can read boring BS anywhere. That advice was written for 23-year-olds in 1954. I will say though that at this stage in a relationship, sex can become more like a practice than a spontaneous event. You have to work at it, cultivate it, make it a goal and priority. This kind of reality is so far from the way sex just “happens” in newer relationships. But it also leaves you a lot of room for discovery.
Animal time!
Oh. My. Tiny. God. I’ve chosen the rabbit! Which outside of the animal medicine world signifies humping like crazy! But did you know that dogs can scare rabbits TO DEATH? Really, their little hearts are easy to stop. It just so happens that rabbit symbolizes fear.
Your rabbit card was chosen upside down. Rabbit in the contrary position symbolizes that paralyzed feeling which Rabbit experiences when being stalked.
It suggests that you may be trying to resolve a situation in your life but you are feeling frozen in motion. It always indicates a time when you need to re-evaluate the process you are under-going, and to rid yourself of any negative feelings, barriers, or duress. Are any of these things influencing the way in which you approach your desire?
Rabbit says you cannot have your influence felt until you rearrange your way of seeing the present set of circumstances. (I hope my advice helps with that rearranging, After Death.)
Take a hint from Rabbit. Burrow in a safe space to nurture yourself and release your fears until it is time again to hop gayely through a pasture of orchids under the soul of the sun. Trust yourself that you will know when to emerge.
Okay little bunny, that's all for now. Text me later if you wanna hang.
Love,
Lady Jonathan
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