Lady Jonathan Tells All, #5
“many of us have dark sexual experiences we bury in the dirt”
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Dear Lady Jonathan,
I am dating this new guy who I’ve had a crush on for a long time. He’s really sexy, fun, talented and into cool stuff. Here is what I need your advice on: We were hanging out with my roommates in my apartment, drinking before going out and talking about whatever. He brought up the fact that he used to be a janitor at a preschool. Then he kind of bragged about how he would sometimes masturbate in the bathroom at the school on his shifts. He said he isn’t aroused by children or anything. I kind of feel weird about this fact but don’t want to come off as prude. Do you think it’s a deal breaker?
Please help,
WTF
Hi WTF.
Oh.
Well yeah, that’s kind of weird. We are all weird and I think masturbating in weird places is kind of normal. Deviance can be hot. In his case the proximity to tiny, fresh-faced children does raise some questions, sure.
One of those questions might be whether or not he was sexualized as a child. If he was, that fact will surely come out and terrorize your sex life with him at some point. Start reading some psychology texts in preparation for his possible intermittent impotence, obsession with teen porn, sudden disgust with you once he sees you as a sexual being—you know, things like that.
I do think deviance runs deep, and many of us have dark sexual experiences we bury in the dirt like a feral savings account. In fact, I am positive in any bedroom situation, especially with strangers, the room is filled with the deviant ghosts of both parties. Or all three, four or five of the participants, such be the case.
Here’s my real problem with this situation: This dude is self-defining as a man who is a janitor who jerks-off in a preschool, WTF. He wants you and everybody in the room to know that is who he is as a person. He thinks there is something awesome about it.
That’s what annoys me about him. His self-concept is like, yo, I am this gross dude who does dirty jobs and fucks himself while doing them.
It’s such a weird way to present oneself and one’s own societal rebellion. There are many facts about this guy’s life, many experiences he’s had, and many people he’s met (and fucked). But he chooses this detail to present like a championship medal for his rebellion? Come on. Be less transparent. Also, get real.
Only you can tell if this is a deal breaker. I think the decision might depend on IQ. If you have a high IQ you should definitely leave this guy and his hot bod behind. If you are moderately intelligent, I’d say keep sleeping with him for a while, have some fun and enjoy whatever talents he has that you mentioned. If you aren’t too bright, which is totally fine, keep dating him. Like you said, he’s sexy, fun, talented and into cool stuff. (I will not address here that you made no mention of whether or not he was a kind person.) You guys can watch obscure movies, paint occult symbols on each other’s bodies and go watch bands that wrap the audience in duct tape. Maybe you have so many things in common that you can just laugh at his behavior. Maybe it can even turn you on eventually. We don’t know.
I’m going to pull an animal medicine card so that you and I can grow as people today, both in our knowledge and our understanding of the natural world. Maybe this will balance out the fact that we are talking about a man with a dick in his hand who moments before was holding a toilet brush.
I was kind of hoping to pull a bear card so we could dabble in the overused-by-annoying-people-who-are-into-wellness topic of boundaries but turns out I drew a deer for you, WTF.
Let me tell you a little deer story.
One day Deer heard Great Spirit calling her to the top of Sacred Mountain. She immediately started up the trail. What she didn’t know was that this really sickening and horrible demon guarded the way to the Great Spirit’s Lodge. His deal was keeping all the beings of creation from connecting with Great Spirit. He wanted all of Great Spirit’s creatures to think that Great Spirit didn’t want to be disturbed. This made the asshole demon feel powerful. He wanted everyone to fear him.
Thing is, Deer wasn’t frightened at all. Even as the demon breathed fire and vile smelling smoke and made horrifying noises, Deer was not phased. She spoke to the demon gently requesting passage. Her eyes were filled with love and compassion for him. This really freaked the demon out. He just couldn’t believe it. Her love had penetrated his sickening heart.
As his rock heart began to melt, his body shrank to the size of the walnut. Here’s the big picture: Her gentle love cleared the way for all of Great Spirit’s children to reach Sacred Mountain. No one had to fear the demon ever again.
In conclusion, Deer teaches us to use the power of gentleness to touch the hearts and mind of wounded beings who are trying to keep us from Sacred Mountain.
Oh WTF, it sounds like you are a real darling if I am to believe in the power of these cards. And if they have power, it sounds like you are dealing with a demon that is trying to scare people away. He’s wounded. And you are gentle enough to soften him.
Well that’s a nice ending now, isn’t it?
Carry on gentle beast,
Lady Jonathan
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