Lady Jonathan Tells All, #1
“Notes on always dating the recently broken up”
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Dear Lady Jonathan,
The past two major relationships I have had (and also the two, which, in the greater canon of my relationships have been the most important) were started when the other person was exiting a relationship. My new crush has become the third in this series. With the last two, commitment was an obstacle. I am patient, and I am open, and I hung in there satisfied with our time spent together regardless of the label placed on our relationship. Love was shared, and that was enough...until it wasn't, and it became clear that the other person needed to heal, be single, or further resolve the previous relationship. This new boy broke up with his girlfriend in August. They still talk, they are best friends. They were together for 6 years, and are clearly still navigating that separation. Before that he had been in relationship for 7 years. He hasn't really dated. This dude is a goddam keeper. And yet, I fear entering into this. It is familiar. I want a committed, awesome relationship. Is their a time frame for the "boyfriend" title? Should I just abandon ship now so the dude can live a little? Please advise. –Totally Crushed Out
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Dear Totally Crushed Out and Potentially Crushed,
To begin with, Totally Crushed, I will read an animal oracle card for insight into your future in this scenario with The Keeper.
As it so happens, I have drawn the opossum card.
In the animal spirit world, the opossum symbolizes strategy. We are not just talking about playing dead; we are talking about an animal that can CREATE THE MUSK OF THE DEATH SCENT on command. While the opossum can fight with sickening nails and terrifying teeth—it rarely does. Instead, it uses supreme strategy—mental and physical. An opossum turning up in your cards means you are being asked to use strategy in your situation. Rely on your instincts. If you have to pretend to be apathetic or afraid, the opossum wants you to do it. Sometimes if you refuse to struggle, there no longer is a game to play. The opossum is relaying to you that you should expect the unexpected and be clever in achieving your victory. (Is The Keeper worth a term like Victory?) In essence, that tiny, unattractive creature you see above is urging you to use your brain, your sense of drama, and of course—the power of surprise.
Totally serious—that is the card I pulled and that is what it means.
Now let me tell you how I see things. I can’t hang upside down from trees by my tail but guess what, neither can The Keeper.
We could imagine all types of things that are going on in The Keeper’s head and certainly decide what we think he needs or may need or may think he needs or what he really needs despite what he thinks he needs. However, we know nothing. And we can control nothing about him. The only controllable variable here is you. So let’s talk about you.
Your common equation of being the new babe on the tail end of a breakup is one that needs to be solved. Maybe not solved, but there needs to be a few notebook pages of scribbled pencil in attempt. This scenario works for you on some level. It does something for you. What is it? Do you like feeling like a woman who has no expectations and therefor prove to yourself and the world that you are fiercely independent? Underneath it all, do you like the freedom that comes from not being committed? Another guess is that when you enter these situations, you’ve already pegged why it won’t work out. You don’t have to wonder if this dude is not committing to you because he doesn’t think you are good enough or pretty enough or sexy enough or worthy of meeting his mother. This is what I call “controlling rejection.” Some girls do it by gaining a shit ton of weight. Then when they don’t find love, they know exactly why. “No one will love a fat girl like me!” Of course that is not why, but it makes them feel in control.
I have been the person at the bottom of the water slide of the recently past relationship many times. The recently broken LOVE me. You know why? Because I am fun, free, open and I don’t require constant attention or affirmation. I don’t want to commit for a long, long time, if ever. I love fucking. I have my own life. I don’t share my problems with people. I love to ignore my dates completely in public and keep any and all affairs secret.
You know what I am to these individuals? A really fucking great vacation from what they’ve just been going through, or in most cases, still are. End of relationships suck no matter what (ending up best friends with the ex or not), so these people have been going through it on one level or another. They meet me and are like, awesome, I can dive into this stranger and feel FREE and GOOD and CARELESS and have WILD SEX AT ALL HOURS and woah this person is so awesome, they need NOTHING.
It’s true; I need nothing. But that doesn’t mean a man shouldn’t want to give me anything.
So maybe you are this super fucking awesome vacation package that comes with great amenities. Maybe you are the sexiest cruise liner to ever speed through the sea like a floating Las Vegas.
What comes next, when ever you decide to have a “next” in this cycle, is you confronting what it is that works for you in these scenarios. Once you define what needs are fulfilled by your modus operando, you can decide if those needs match your current and projected needs. Get real with yourself and what you want in your current state of consciousness. If your needs/wants haven’t changed since the last time you were in this situation, then pull out your vintage swimsuit, take his hand, and ask him to join you by the pool. If they have changed, focus on getting what it is you do want. Look at him through that lens. See if he looks any different.
(Side note: If you don’t grab him now, that doesn’t mean you can’t grab him later. This dude LOVES relationships and will definitely have another long, long one.)
Time frames mean nothing in matters of the heart. You’ve got to feel it out with eyes on your own goals and happiness. (Cliché alert!) Every day actually seriously really counts.
Isn’t evolving fun? And painful? And super duper confusing? Enjoy.
With love,
Lady Jonathan
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