Deathwish 036: Elizabeth
“I wish I could learn how to live with this fear”
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I used to love staying up well into the night, parading in the streets of my California. It was a sacred sanctuary where the young rejoiced in the defeat of death. But now that invincibility has proven only theory, the holy night is no longer my haven, no longer where I play, where I laugh, where I dance. So heavy this burden.
The night now symbolizes the end to all the happy endings I can’t seem to believe in. This night now represents saudade — a Portuguese word meaning a state of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia. Saudade for the days I could so easily close my eyes, could so easily rest. I wish beauty was not so often tainted with the wisdom of goodbye.
I wish I could learn how to live with this fear. We cannot escape our final breath, but I wish I could be like those who can gallivant despite cold, imminent farewells, who do not dread sleep, who can truly flourish in spite of the unknown. So heavy this fear.
Not comforted by the thought of space and stardust, not at peace with the idea of heaven, of cycles, of seasons. Wish I could be present with the forever that lives in each moment. Wish I could live in the moment. Why am I always simply waiting for my sunset? So heavy this burden, this fear of the moon.
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To read the previous installment, "Deathwish 035: Imee," go here. To participate in Deathwish, find details here.
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Elizabeth was born in Hayward, California and currently lives in Turlock, California.