Deathwish 007: Walden


“Real monsters are sober when they commit atrocities”

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After a while it all just seems so fucking quiet.

The noise, the worries, trivially mulling around through department stores, filling a void that feels aching and dull.

Blind violence. From the time I was a newborn, my life was filled with it. A broken-down trailer park in North Carolina is a petri dish for that kind of shit. My father used to hold me down by my throat when I was two to try to stop me from crying.

Real monsters are sober when they commit atrocities.

Small wonder I picked up a penchant for escapism, and a free pass to our revolving door penal system. At eighteen, my girlfriend signed me up for my first stint in the joint. The third time I was locked up, a clear vision of my future started to unfold. A grim vision where I let the violence that cradled me and rocked me to sleep take control of everything.

I'm in charge of my darkness. I started living on the streets in New York City, then Los Angeles. When you're willing to fight for a quarter because you haven't eaten in days, the value of your life is obvious.

Once, I was held at gunpoint. The mugger grabbed my arm, which threw his concentration. I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him in front of oncoming traffic. The look of shock on his face was priceless.

I guess when you start in a place that is death, an empty limbo suspended halfway between the waking world and wolves circling your campfire, death becomes more of a presence. I don’t fear dying or much of anything else anymore.

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Walden was born in Asheville, NC, and lives in Portland, OR.


Matty Byloos

Matty Byloos is Co-Publisher and a Contributing Editor for NAILED. He was born 7 days after his older twin brother, Kevin Byloos. He is the author of 2 books, including the novel in stories, ROPE ('14 SDP), and the collection of short stories, Don't Smell the Floss ('09 Write Bloody Books).

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