Deathwish 003: Kirsten
“Sixth pill because he didn’t love me anymore”
+++
I lost a day of my life. I was lucky. I could have lost the whole thing.
I was so tired. I hadn’t been sleeping well due to the anti-depressants my doctor had put me on. At first, I thought I’d take one Ambien to get a nap in before I had to go to an audition for the college musical.
One pill for a nap.
But I was really tired, more so than I had ever been before. I was tired of my life. I was tired of being.
Second pill for how my friends went away to school and I was stuck in my hometown.
Third pill for being fat and unattractive.
Fourth pill for my sister making fun of the cuts on my arm at the dinner table.
Fifth pill for those bitches not letting me sit near them on the first day of class.
Sixth pill because he didn’t love me anymore; he chose his newborn daughter instead.
Six was what I took, six was all I had. If I’d had a full bottle I would have kept going. I didn’t know what would happen. If I would wake up like last time, next to empty bottles of aspirin and scotch, covered in my own frothy sick. Or if I would even wake up.
What happened after that is a dark, fuzzy blur. I know I drove to the audition across town, because I got the part. I must have done really well, but I don’t remember it.
It was only a day I lost. I stopped playing that sort of game with my life after that. I’m not saying I cured my depression. I just stopped playing roulette.
+ + +
Kirsten was born in Battle Creek, MI, and lives in Portland, OR now.