Lady Jonathan Tells All, #19

Editor Lady Jonathan, Letters, May 15th, 2015

"My fervent love for the family jewels does not mean..."

lady jonathan advice header

Blinded by this plight

Oh hello there Lady Jonathan, didn’t see you standing there.

Most likely because MY EYES ARE STILL BURNING.

Let me explain.

I’ve been seeing the same guy for the last several months and things
have been going smoothly enough – i.e. neither of us has admitted to
having a secret second family or a taste for murdered dog. Yet.

Moving on.

Everything was hunky dory until we decided we should make things
weird. I say “we” loosely – I will admit I was on board with the
idea of mixing things up. But that was before…

Perhaps I was happy with vanilla. No, you know what, I AM happy with
vanilla. Vanilla conversation, vanilla looks, vanilla dates, even
vanilla sex. Vanilla does it for me.

I’ll tell you what most certainly does NOT do it for me: SHAVING

Pardon the outburst. And yes, you read that right. Shaving.

Turns out this guy gets off on having me shave his nut sack. Nut.

But it doesn’t end there. Once shaved, I am to fondle the
oh-so-smooth scrotum with – you guessed it – my mouth hole.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve sucked a number of sacks in my day
with no small amount of fervor. The thing is that I’ve NOT sucked
sacks swimming in whiskers.

To achieve what he has proclaimed to be “the best em effing o of his
whole life,” this guy needs me to shave his balls (no, he cannot do
it himself because apparently it’s “just not the same”), then
suckle at them while he log-flogs until finally he Old Faithfuls
across my face.

There is absolutely nothing vanilla about this.

My present issue is two-fold: 1. The last time we “made things
weird” a dickwhisker got in my eye while I was gargling his
babyholders, immediately causing me keenest irritation. 2. He jizzed
in the same eye 20 seconds later.

Since agreeing to this he’s treated me like I’m the next best
thing to Jesus and I just really enjoy that. But the problem is that
now my eye hurts like a mother and I’m the sight of razors gives me

Wut. Thuh. Faaahhhhccckkkk.

How do I back away from this practice without always having our
vanilla sex remind him how much he wishes it was weird? I could see us
dating for a good long while and everything was fine before the weird
happened. I just wanna go back to that.


Sincerely yours,
Dick Schick-er

+ + +

Hi Dick Schick-er!

First of all Dick, thank you so much for asking me a question about balls. They are one of my most favorite things in the world!

lady jonathan shave balls advice nailed magazine

Balls are really fascinating! They can MOVE THEMSELVES without their host knowing anything about it. Have you ever watched a ball sack for a spell while a man is at rest? That thing moves all around very slowly. Really weird sure, but totally fantastic.

Not only do I love balls, but scrotum is my favorite word in the world! And I will not hide the fact if asked what my favorite word is by your grandmother.

lady jonathan shave balls advice nailed magazine

My fervent love for the family jewels does not mean I’m all about shaving and sucking them on the regular. So I am with you on that one. I’m not saying that it’s too weird, or too gross, or too degrading, because to each their own, right? Like I told Urethra Freedom, it’s really fantastic that a person can identify even obscure things that get them off and just own them and go with it. Considering how many people can’t get off at all, or are swaddled in shame, the fact that this guy knows what he likes and isn’t afraid to totally love it and live in that moment is really great for him.

Really, really great FOR HIM.

lady jonathan shave balls advice nailed magazine

We can agree however that this practice is not really, really great for you. And sorry to say Dick, but you’re going to get progressively more grossed out by this, and eventually you’re not going to be able to separate the thought of him and the taste of his freshly shaven balls, the feeling of ball whiskers ticking your throat, and the image of you constantly being cast in a “cum shot” scene. Then things are going to be totally over. You may not even remain friends.

lady jonathan shave balls advice nailed magazine

First of all, the fact that things have been great for several months means basically nothing other than things have been great for several months. Don’t feel that several months of good means you need to “stick this one out” and “suck those shaved balls cause they are only balls and it makes him happy” because that is not true. “Someone” I know once stayed with a monster for four years based on the fact that the first nine months were amazing.

lady jonathan shave balls advice nailed magazine

Not telling you to ditch this dude, but don’t stay for the potential you’ve seen if it starts to not match up with your reality.

It’s not that dire though, unless he reacts poorly to any objection you might have. I’m going to assume he is equally interested in your pleasure (rare I know but it’s possible). If this is true, then I think he would be horrified to know that you are totally not enjoying this.

lady jonathan shave balls advice nailed magazine

Would you want him to be doing something that grossed him out just so you could next-level your orgasm? How is he supposed to even know if you won’t tell him? He wouldn’t want you to be doing this if he knew how you felt.

Unless of course, he would. It is not impossible that he is also getting off on the fact that he is making you do something you’re not that into. That’s fucked up to say but it’s true. He may even be subconsciously turned on by that. You know, the dominance thing. And the whole humiliation thing. There are entire websites and businesses and parties dedicated to matching those who want to humiliate with those who are hard for humiliation.

lady jonathan shave balls advice nailed magazine

Another question is, why are YOU doing this over and over if you’re not into it? Pleasing him a few times with this random thing he’s into is one thing. But taking it on the chin and in the eye again and again is something you should question yourself about. You may be at risk of putting his desires ahead of yours and playing the “pleaser” role in bed. Kind of like casting yourself as a fuck fantasy play mate. Your pleasure is just as important as his, and this isn’t pleasing you. Your pleasure is just as important as his, and this isn’t pleasing you.  

You totally don’t have to do this.

lady jonathan shave balls advice nailed magazine

So how do you handle that? I say distract him. When he hands you the razor or whatever, just smile coyly and shake your head no. Then do something else that is hot but that also turns you on. Blow him, sit on his face, whatever. If he confronts you about it, tell him casually that you’re not into it. That should make him feel a little bad for demanding it. If he continues to demand it anyway, or beg you, then leave his balls behind. Let them grow massive amounts of hair and let them be lonely and dry.

lady jonathan shave balls advice nailed magazine

And one thing that I want you to know is that just because you’re not into this, doesn’t mean you’re “vanilla” and he’s not. Mixing things up can take many forms, not all of those forms are shaped like nards. Understanding our own sexuality is a lifetime process with many winding roads, deep caves, tall waterfalls, swelling seas and mountain peaks.

lady jonathan shave balls advice nailed magazine

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, animals are really down with their balls. I once saw a bulldog chained to a parking meter, sitting in the middle of the sidewalk shamelessly licking his huge balls. He was really relaxed about it. It’s pretty sad that we humans cut the balls off of all the animals we come in contact with. It’s horrible really.

Let’s hope the animals I will call on in the animal medicine deck won’t hold that against us. Let’s see what advice they have for you and your dangly bit dilemma.

Lol! I pulled the card of an animal that literally runs around all day with big nuts in its mouth!

lady jonathan shave balls advice nailed magazine

A squirrel scurrying into your cards may be bringing the message that you need to lighten your load (lol) if you have gathered too many “things” that don’t really serve you. These “things” you’ve packed away in your little den can be thoughts, worries, pressures, stresses, and entities that have been broken for years. Have you always put your pleasure second? That sounds broken if so.

The squirrel teaches that there is balance to gathering—things must be moved in and out to keep optimum stock. Pulling a squirrel card may mean you need to take a close look at what you’ve gathered and see what needs to get tossed off (lol). Do you have things that someone else would enjoy more? If something no longer “grows corn” for you, then it is time to let it go.

Is this dude “growing your corn” still? Is there another person out there who is desperately seeking a man whom they can shave the sack of and suck? Is there another man who “mixes things up” in a way that gives you an out of body experience from the otherworldly pleasure you feel? Do these things matter to you when you are seeking an amazing mate? Honest question because they might not and that’s totally fine.

Another valuable lesson from squirrel is the idea of having a very safe place within which to put your gatherings. That safe place is an untroubled heart and mind, and what you gather there is wisdom and caring. The energies gathered will set your mind and heart free so that you know you’ve got all you need, and everything will be taken care of. Succeeding at this can make a lot of your fears simply vanish. Balls aside, does this dude contribute to your well with wisdom and caring?

When you write, “How do I back away from this practice without always having our vanilla sex remind him how much he wishes it was weird?” am I reading correctly that you are afraid of being rejected if you’re honest about your sexual preferences?

Maybe focusing on the lesson above would be a good place to start. If you’ve got all you need, and everything will be taken care of, then you don’t have to worry so much about rejection. He may reject you, he may not—you’ll still be totally fine.

Plus, the alternative is really annoying and involves always having a mild cough from a small whisker lodged in your throat, and possible recurring eye infections.

Being the next best thing to Jesus doesn’t always involve balls.

lady jonathan shave balls advice nailed magazine

With love,

Lady Jonathan

+ + +

You can follow Lady Jonathan on Twitter here.

+ + +

Query Lady J yourself: or, if anonymity is required, then use the contact form below. By submitting a request for advice, you are agreeing to our terms statement.

[si-contact-form form='1']



Lady Jonathan

I studied the dark arts on the dance floor in Western Europe. With one black cat, I travel to obtuse destinations, like hot tubs, to study humanity and the complex psychology behind it. My wisdom comes from a double helix coded by the mountains, the sea and the silence of a stalking puma. While impossible to locate, I am quite excellent at returning emails and keeping secrets. So, tell.