Lady Jonathan Tells All, #18

Editor Lady Jonathan, Letters, March 31st, 2015

"I don’t believe you had any clue you were being a creep..."

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We’re two people, man and woman, and operate as one under the handle: Cannibal Facts. Cannibal Facts or (Cannifa) is a free flowing community space for all things Cannibal. We report The Facts.

A group of Korean Teenagers started following us, liking our posts frequently. Soon they would even send us little messages throughout the day, letting us know we’re being thought of—affirming stuff.  Little things like “I cry, Cannifa is my daddy,” or “Will you buy us some cake and coffee daddy?” These messages made us happy and we were touched that they gave us a nickname. Their entire group called “Slowmo” started following us, roughly 90 of them. They seemed to all perform the roles of Korean pop stars and other celebrities that we aren’t familiar with in the U.S. 

Something about their rhetoric told us that they are young. It reminded us of something we’ve lost. The messages became more frequent and more intimate—though not inappropriate. It became clear at a certain point that they were role-playing. But because we’re not teens, and are unfamiliar with role-playing culture, it took us a while to understand this…I think we’re still trying to understand.

In any event, one day, they turned on us. They started making fun of us, calling for their group members to “unfollow Cannifa,” “Block and Unfollow @CannibalFacts.”  This hurt us tremendously—in ways we weren’t prepared for. In a pretty short window of time, we’d grown accustomed to “Cannifa is so cute! <3” and “Have some coffee, Cannifa!” Suddenly we were iced out and it was like permanent nighttime. 

We were completely abandoned and whenever we tried to win back our friends, our family, we became more desperate. Our tweets started to occupy a more stressed out tone. They told us things like: Chill, you can’t be tweeting like this. Some of them followed us from their “other” accounts, some sent us Direct Messages apologizing, saying that this is how it must be! …But it hasn’t been the same. The affection that the Slow Motion crew poured forth was pure, joyful, and we truly felt appreciated in new ways. 

We fell into the blues, allowing the blues to cover us, to live as a cloud in our sky. We feel hopeful that our friends would return to us, and have tried to focus on other parts of our lives and put our creative energies in other buckets…. But we keep thinking back to that thing Plato said when he was talking to that other guy: “People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die.” See: we thought the Slow Motion teens were helping us grow, and we still believe we can win them back, and that they will accept us as their friends. 

Unfortunately, I left this part out before, there are administrators in this group: Ice Princess, Mino, and Baroque Obama. Serious heels, stone cold oppressors: they are making us wilt and die. This sounds totally insane: but without those three oppressors, Slow Motion is a CannibalFacts family member.  

We’ve turned over all different possibilities: read up on how to join Slow Motion legitimately (that requires 75 tweets a day), continue to knock on the door of those who have turned away from us, or to turn it into some Rom-Com Montage where we move on like a big haunted Skull weighed down by 6 billion unique ancestors and the desire for flesh after having re-absorbed our twin…Eat Pray Love style: one day, we’ll be walking down the street talking about our novel that just got published or something. The sun is out. And all of the sudden there’s a notification on our phones that says “Ice Princess, Mino, and Baroque Obama have all followed you on Twitter.” Isn’t it lovely to think so?


Cannibal Facts (Cannifa)

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Hello Cannibal Facts,

I know exactly what’s going on here and you’re not going to like it.

A group of Korean teenagers think you are stalking them. This is the truth.

See exhibit A, a flier for new members in the Slowmotion role-playing group. This image is one of three images posted to their leader’s Twitter account.


lady jonathan 18 cannibal facts korean teens

Note: SLW refers to the Korean teenagers roleplaying group, Slowmotion.

I know you may be experiencing horror, regret, or confusion right now. If you read the notice you will also realize the very nickname that you were touched by was actually a code name for this group of teens to use when referring to you. Now it’s just CF or Balts.

They wrote, “Please don’t panic.”

Cannibal Facts, I don’t believe you had any clue you were being a creep. You also must not have known that this private group of teenagers has the minimum age of 13. I’d like to provide you with a few examples of your Twitter posts that might freak a 13-year-old out:

lady jonathan 18 cannibal facts nailed magazine

I guess I could stop right here, but I will throw in a few more.

I don’t know if Korean schools teach Goethe to young teens. There is a possibility though because on average, Korean children have 16-hour school days.


lady jonathan 18 cannibal facts nailed magazine

lady jonathan 18 cannibal facts nailed magazine

I even saw a hostile tweet (hinting at violence) directed to the group of young teens.

lady jonathan korean teens cannibal facts

I think your confusion about what Slowmotion actually is may have caused you to behave in ways that might be strange to a group of Korean teenagers who are already leading double lives. I don’t know how far you dove in to the role-playing world that they are a part of, but I am going to do a quick breakdown of what Slowmotion is.

Korean teenagers play very elaborate roleplaying games that are all created by a few teens who then invite others to join. They list their group in a public directory with a brief description of the premise of the group. When you submit your application to become a member, you choose a celebrity character from a “Master List” of Korean pop stars and actors who have not yet been taken by a different member. (It’s a long list, and I know zero of them as I am embarrassingly lacking in any knowledge about the Korean pop music or film scene.)

lady jonathan korean teens cannibal facts

So once you are officially part of the game, you can enjoy an imaginary world wherein you are a famous pop star and can do what ever and whom ever you want. For example, if you look again at exhibit A, you’ll notice that I highlighted “incest is a norm” and “one big orgy here.”

The actual description of Slowmotion is [13+age limit. Mix.] We’re a mystical, magical, wonderfully supercalifragilistic expialidocious Facebook-based RP where the derpiest of derps and the trolliest of trolls come together and bask in each other’s fabness.”

(Unfortunately I am going to have to set that description on fire because it is so way beyond annoying.)

There’s one called “A Day in the Sun” which is described as an all boy Facebook-based role-play where you can live like everyday is summer vacation. Yay!

The games of course aren’t all boys in Speedos frolicking on imaginary beaches with sparkling teeth and sand in their hair. They can be totally weird. For example, look at this description:

In South Korea there is a city called Yeoja, a city where there is no other gender except the female species. There can be male animals, but all the humans there are 100% female. There are female mechanics, female bartenders, female taxi drivers, female bouncers, everything is run by females. And in Yeoja, there is a manor called Ecstasy Manor, but it isn’t just any old manor, this manor is a place where the women of the city come to explore and release all of their sexual desires. You can be a permanent resident or a temporary visitor and come and go as you please, the choice is all up to you. Just know you’ll never leave here unsatisfied.

If you’re reading what I’m reading then you may feel equally WTF about the implication that the women will most likely be fucking animals during this role-play.

Take some time with this image. It’s an ad for a game called Academy for Pleasure.

lady jonathan korean teens cannibal facts

Slowmotion runs a tight ship. They have a lot of rules and if you want to so much as deviate minimally from the rules you may ask an admin or you will be cut off from the group. Here’s one of my favorite rules:

Pregnancy is allowed here. Just no m-preg. In addition, your pregnancy must be realistic both in length and the way it affects your character and the child must be an integral part of your interactions (meaning, you have to start acting like a parent!). Please consider what a pregnancy would do to an idol’s career before carrying out a plot of this sort.

I do not know what m-preg is but I hope it is male pregnancy.

By running a tight ship and making everyone go through a screening process, the admins of Slowmo are very aware of everyone who is involved in the game. They only follow 65 people on Twitter. I am guessing nearly all of those people are teen players.

Here is one of the admins’ Twitter cover images. They were never your friends.

lady jonathan korean teens cannibal facts

So what I think happened is that a few of them mistook you for a player, and then realized that you were some random American account quoting Goethe and talking about March Madness and dead children. They thought, WTF is March Madness? And then they wondered, why is this person interacting with me on Twitter in the first place?

I don’t mean to make these teens seem innocent at all. Their role-play games get nasty. I read about one plot that described a group of gay school goons cornering a student inside a storage room and raping him.

So the real question here, which you also may not like, is—where you stalking them?

Stalking is defined as repeated and unwanted attention, harassment, contact, or any other behavior directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear. (Child in a freezer.)

But we loved them and we thought they loved us! They were so friendly and sweet and called us Daddy! Then they shunned us and all we wanted was their attention again! To feel special again!

lady jonathan korean teens cannibal facts

Now copy and paste the above dialogue into the mouth of someone who stalks a celebrity. Their reason for mailing a dildo to Gwyneth Paltrow may be similar. They have delusions where they are close to their object of desire, and that this person loves them and wants to be with them. They get hurt because the person doesn’t answer their letters, or talk to them when they lurk in the driveway wearing a backpack carrying accoutrements for a champagne picnic. They can’t understand because they believe what they had (which was nothing) was special, and they love them too much to stop themselves from putting in more and more effort to win their attention.

lady jonathan conan stalker cannibal facts

We cannot deny the inner dialogue you presented in this letter reads alarmingly similar to the inner dialogue of a murderous stalker.

I am going to now ask you to look long and hard at a list of traits commonly associated with stalkers. Do you see your reflection in any of these words?

  1. Narcissistic behaviors
  2. Selfishness
  3. History of domestic violence
  4. Inability to cope with rejection
  5. Obsessive, controlling, and compulsive
  6. Impulsivity
  7. Suffering from delusions or a severe mental illness that interferes with perception of reality
  8. Jealousy
  9. Manipulative behaviors
  10. Sexually maladaptive behaviors
  11. Deceptiveness
  12. Socially awkward, uncomfortable, or isolated
  13. Has a history of falling in love instantly
  14. Depends on others for a sense of self-worth
  15. Low self-esteem
  16. Tempermentalness


lady jonathan michael douglass stalker nailed

I’m not actually worried about you, Cannibal Facts. Your Twitter account is hysterical and your question is a fantastic read. I do not think you are dangerous. However, this situation has given us both the opportunity to look at your behavior a little more closely. On a scale of one to ten, how deeply alone do you feel? What exactly were you afraid of losing?

I care about you so I am going to tell you what needs to happen. You need to fall out of love with Slowmotion.

Listen to me: Slowmotion is just a group of young teens in a far away land who have for some reason constructed an elaborate second reality wherein there is essentially a miniature government that, if they meet the criteria, allows them to pretend to be pop stars and pretend to fuck people and pretend to get pregnant and pretend to frolic on the beach and pretend they are a woman bartender with a boyfriend who is a horse with long blonde hair. While this sounds relatively fascinating, who gives the fuck about them or Twitter for that matter.

We are a social species who seeks love and attachment but it seems like we are just getting further and further away from each other. Come back to us Cannibal Facts. Let’s be flesh-and-blood friends.

To further your journey into self-reflection, and aid you in your healing process after not only the rejection from Slowmotion, but also the realization that they believe you are stalking them and may be cause for panic, I will draw an animal card for guidance.

lady jonathan mountain lion animal medicine nailed


I’ve seen three mountain lions in my life and was happy to see the fourth as I turned over the card I drew for you, Cannibals.

The Mountain Lion can be a very difficult power totem for you to have, because it places you in the position to be a target for the problems of others. You could end up being the perfect justification for the insecurities of others. I think we can see this pretty clearly in Slowmotion, who while holding the fear of their own rejection in their virtual pockets were quite ready to reject another. If they punish you for being obsessed with them, then they can pretend they are worthy of obsession.

Mountain Lion medicine involves learning the ability to lead without insisting others follow. In your case, it would be knowing your personal power is not influenced by the following or un-following of teenage strangers 45 time zones away.

Pulling the Mountain Lion card also means you may be asked to review the purpose behind your personal beliefs. You may need to discover if your plans include a pride of cubs wanting to be like you or to share in your dreams. Might Slowmotion have been a sort of de facto pride—a pride that then rejected you and your dreams, leaving you alone and uncelebrated?

If you are aligned with cat medicine you are considered to be “king of the mountain,” and never allowed to be human or vulnerable. I will let that sit with you.

In assuming the place of power that Mountain Lion affords, you must constantly be aware of keeping peace. The annoying truth is you can never make everyone happy unless you lie to yourself and others. How much are we each willing to lie in order to preserve a false sense of joy? Who do we lie to more, ourselves or others? Who do we tell the truth to? Anyone? The first responsibility of leadership is to tell the truth. Know it. Live it.

One last important fact: Panic is not part of this sacred medicine so be sure not to cause it.

As a parting gift, I will leave you with a link to the K POP ROLEPLAY DIRECTORY. Enjoy!

Real-life human body love,

Lady Jonathan

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Lady Jonathan

I studied the dark arts on the dance floor in Western Europe. With one black cat, I travel to obtuse destinations, like hot tubs, to study humanity and the complex psychology behind it. My wisdom comes from a double helix coded by the mountains, the sea and the silence of a stalking puma. While impossible to locate, I am quite excellent at returning emails and keeping secrets. So, tell.