Lady Jonathan Tells All, #17

Editor Lady Jonathan, Letters, May 12th, 2014

...women who want me to participate in some rape fantasy role...

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Dear Lady Jonathan,

I am 37 years old. I have been actively dating women for a while, since I was a teenager in fact. I have experimented with a lot, as much as I have outgrown certain things. No matter what part of the feminist spectrum my date sees herself, there are just some things I will have never been okay to entertain.

1.) Calling my date, lover or girlfriend a slut while having sex. No matter how much they insist, I have never been comfortable to do this. As a person of color, I wonder if that is one way a white woman thinks could help bridge the gap between the classes we grew up in? I’ve never experienced this with other minorities. Sometimes I wonder if it is some projection of how they see themselves and how they like to be validated? Could that request be based on an assumption that I see myself in that way? And so, by fulfilling their request, creates a middle ground for us to play on? I have been sitting on this social barrier for at least 10 years now.

Personally, I do not feel like I need to identify as a pervert, or advertise myself as a slut to prove that I am capable of enjoying sex!

2.) In the last five years, I have been meeting more women who want me to participate in some rape fantasy role place. Again, no matter how strongly a woman identifies as a feminist, my answer is still the same for the woman who doesn’t identify as a feminist: NO WAY! I identify as a feminist but I don’t feel that it could make these kinds of experiences any less damaging to myself or another person just because I consider myself educated on the subject, you know?

What do you think? I know this a lot so whatever insights you have to share or spirit animals to spare would be very appreciated.
No matter if these issues come up with the one-night stands or the long terms for me, I want to be prepared to have a conversation about it instead of hoping that these requests can be forgotten.

Not Down With Rape Culture

 

 

Hi Not Down,

Thank you for bringing this up.

Let’s start with the rape fantasy and let’s start with the facts. Here are some interesting ones:

  • A 1974 study by Hariton and Singer found that being “overpowered or forced to surrender” was the second most frequent fantasy in their survey.
  • A 1984 study by Knafo and Jaffe ranked being overpowered as their study’s most common fantasy during intercourse.
  • A 1988 study by Pelletier and Herold found that over half of their female respondents had fantasies of forced sex.
  • In a survey of romance novels, which are mostly written by women for women, the lead female characters were raped 54% of the time.

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In other words, you are not alone in encountering this type of fantasy with your female partners. With so many people surveyed, we can surmise that it has nothing to do with being or not being a feminist. So what’s the deal? There are many possibilities.

 4 ‘TEVS REASONS TO HAVE A RAPE FANTASY

1. There is of course the possibility that this is just a fantasy for no reason at all. People are often aroused by things that disgust them (see: this person who loves to piss themselves.)

2. It could be a mild form of masochism—they need to feel some version of pain (real or imagined) in order to get aroused. These same people may want to be choked, slapped or bound. Or maybe they want something simple like their hair pulled.

3. Both men and women (equal amounts) think it’s super hot to be submissive in the bedroom sometimes. Rape may indicate a high level of submission to some of the women you are having sex with. They have to submit to someone overpowering them against their imaginary will. Often those who love submission are very confident and alpha in their day-to-day lives.

4. Maybe these babes are lazy. If they initiate a rape fantasy, they literally just have to lie there while you make all the magic.

3 NOT SO ‘TEVS REASONS TO HAVE A RAPE FANTASY

1. I’d like to put one of my favorite psychological theories on the table here. You may have encountered this with one of your partners but not all. A common reaction to trauma is to recreate that trauma on our own terms. For example, a woman who was physically abused as a child may unintentionally seek out abusive relationships in effort to “conquer” or “gain control of” the abuser. This behavior is seen a lot in children who were sexually abused. They will have sex at a young age with many partners so that they are “in control” of their sexuality. The thing is, while they are laying a bunch of people, they are also recreating some version of their trauma again and again—each time trying to master it—yet still living inside of it. I’m sure you know that there are high levels of sexually abused women in sex work. They are on a quest.You may have had sex with one of these babes. In this case, the rape fantasy is definitely not something you want to get involved with. Since they obviously hate their abuser, once you start to fill that role in their lives, albeit in an imaginary way, you run the risk of being seen as some warp-zone abuser, or more so—being treated badly by your partner who is punishing “the abuser,” the part you’ve been cast in.If you happen to fall in love with a woman like this, you will need to work very hard to help her let go of her traumas and re-learn how to have sexual relationships that aren’t based on abuse, control, pain or dominance.

2. Now here’s where the iron fist of society comes into play. Man, women are shamed about their sexuality so much in our country. They are sluts (more on that later) if they enjoy sex or dress sexy. They are shamed for being naked, taught that the body is vile. Religion is the worst culprit. I won’t even go into how fucked up it is that women are taught that if they “give sex up” before marriage, they are essentially worthless beings. Zero net worth. They have nothing redeeming about them except the sex that they can make on someone (or more likely, the sex that is made on them.) For this reason, we may see a form of societally induced guilt in a woman with a rape fantasy. She does not have to admit responsibility for her sexual desires and behaviors if she is “forced” to do it. So take note. If you meet a babe who wants to simulate rape in the bedroom, she may have high levels of sexual guilt. This can cause all kinds of problems. But the good news is, it can also cause really fantastic sex—as their repression can sometimes turn into insane passion.

3.  Porn. What came first—rape porn or fantasies about rape? Does porn reinforce rape culture? Probably. I’m not against porn but we can agree it is almost entirely about dominating and degrading women. If the babe is conditioned to be aroused by this type of vile disrespectful porn reenactment, then she needs you to drop some science on her. Respect can be hot too, and porn is not reality.

Here’s the deal though.

We can’t take you out of this equation and point our analytical fingers at your babes with rape fantasies. What I am about to say may be totally far from the truth, but regardless, will give other people insight. Is it possible that it’s you who has the bad relationship with rape fantasies? Do these rape fantasies bring up a trauma in you, or trigger an emotional event that has no business in the bedroom? If you knew the babe was completely sexually free and healthy and just very simply fantasized about the lack of control and the slight masochism in rape fantasies, you’d still be averted from it, right? That may indicate that this is also an issue of your own. Do you feel the need to protect your lovers from rape, pain, disrespect, i.e. the cruel world women have to navigate from birth? What have you seen or been through that makes your protection so fierce that even the remote reference of a crime against women makes you draw a hard line?

I’d start with the self here. You never have to participate in a rape fantasy ever ever ever. But you may be able to understand your partner better, and not feel so – sad? Is it sadness I am sensing?

Also, dig in to this person’s past as gently as you can. A true resolve to this is being knowledgeable on the possible reasons for a rape fantasy, accept that they aren’t all bad, and just ask questions to gain understanding. Your partner may be afraid to ask you why you’re not into it. And you may have some things to reveal of your own.

SLUT TALK

As far as the slut thing, I mean, I find that super annoying. I hate the term to begin with, but it’s also so cliché to want to be called slut in the bedroom. Have you noticed how dirty talk is so cliché? It’s like people become these porn parrots when they are fucking. Tell me I’m a slut! Yeah, fuck me, yeah, you’re dirty, you’re a dirty girl. Am I your little slut? Do you like to fuck your little whore? Tell me that you like it, yeah, harder, right there, yeah, fuck me, blah blah blah zzzzzzzzzzzzz. PORN PARROT GET OUTTA MY BED.

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However, I am here to tell you I think it has nothing to do with evening the tides between a person of color and a person of non-color. I personally have never in my life thought of a person of color as a slut any more than a white suburban cheerleader with the entirety of the football team’s sperm count in her mouth. I don’t think people of color are seen more as sluts by other women as a general rule. I also don’t think being called a slut would make one feel lowered to the level of what is a perceived lower class. I think you’re just encountering a porn parrot.

You do make an excellent point about projecting though. These babes may feel like sluts, since the world has been telling them they are sluts since the time they started to experience any sort of sexual desire. They could be validating. They could also be turned on by the idea of being a slut—someone who doesn’t give a fuck and loves to fuck, someone half naked even at a church service, someone to keep an eye on in any social environment cause at any moment, she may slip off into a closet to have oral with a stranger she’s only spoken two words to. They may find that super hot, right? And that’s fine.

I find both of these issues to be clearly related to a hypersensitivity of yours towards the complete and utter oppression of women in society. Thank you for being that way. Every woman on the planet appreciates you for feeling so deeply, and being so proactively protective of a woman’s dignity. Your insistence on respect is beautiful. The only thing I caution against is judging your lovers for having a causal relationship to horrifyingly disrespectful things when they’re just looking to get off. It may not be as heavy to them as it feels to you. Don’t do what you don’t feel comfortable with, but don’t decide what they should be comfortable with either.

Shall I call on the animals? I can’t wait any longer.

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Snake… come crawling,
…..There’s fire in your eyes.
………..Bite me, excite me,
………………I’ll learn to realize.

The poison transmuted,
……Brings eternal flame.
…………Open me to heaven,
………………..To heal me again.

This poem is from a book written by David Carson, of Choctaw descent, and Jamie Sams, of Cherokee and Seneca descent.

Holy shit that’s interesting. Open me to heaven to heal me again with poison? I’m having a hard time catching my breath with this one; it is so profound to your situation.

Looking at the snake medicine poem above, we read that poison is actually the method by which the narrator is able to transcended to heaven and be healed again. This fits well with the psychological theory of trauma recreation—the effort to be attracted to and invite pain to oneself in order to seek freedom and redemption from it. If we flip it though, it would be you seeking the poison. Do you find healing in darkness?

Snake medicine people are very rare because their initiation involves experiencing and living through multiple snake bites, which makes them immune to all poisons—mental, physical, spiritual or emotional. How many times have you been bitten?

The power of snake medicine is the power of creation. It represents sexuality, psychic energy, alchemy, reproduction and immortality.

Snakes hold cosmic consciousness and can experience anything willingly without resistance. It is the knowledge that all things are created equally, and what might be experienced as poison can be eaten, ingested, integrated and transmuted with the right headspace.

Thoth/Hermes used the symbology of two snakes intertwining around a sword to represent healing. I feel healing is a strong part of your psyche and perhaps even plays a strong unconscious role in relationships, even if you try to fight it. Are you trying to heal your partners from misogyny… are you trying to heal all women from oppression?

Snake teaches that understanding and accepting the male and female within each organism creates divine energy. Seeing this in your sexual encounters when it appears that a woman is behaving in a way on account of a male dominated society is important.

Drawing this card means you need to transmute thought, action or desire so that wholeness can be achieved.

Here’s the exciting part. With this medicine, you can bring about the transmutation of fire medicine—IF you can accept all aspects of your life. Here is what fire energy creates and becomes on the various planes of your life:

  • Material plane: Passion, desire, procreation, vitality
  • Emotional plane: Ambition, creation, resolution and dreams
  • Mental plane: Intellect, power, charisma, leadership
  • Spiritual plane: wisdom, understanding, wholeness and connection to the Great Spirit

This magic is HEAVY.

However, magic is only a change in consciousness.

How will you use Snake medicine? I’m so excited for you.

 

With love,
Lady Jonathan

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Lady Jonathan

I studied the dark arts on the dance floor in Western Europe. With one black cat, I travel to obtuse destinations, like hot tubs, to study humanity and the complex psychology behind it. My wisdom comes from a double helix coded by the mountains, the sea and the silence of a stalking puma. While impossible to locate, I am quite excellent at returning emails and keeping secrets. So, tell.