Letter to My Mother, Dying Slowly
“Everyone’s just bitching, or crying, or hoping that you’re going to go soon”
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Mom--
Wrote your obit today-- that felt like shit... you're still alive. Everyone's just bitching, or crying, or hoping that you're going to go soon. I wish you would too. It's not like you've been here. Somewhere in your head, in a tiny little place, I know you're there. Sometimes when you look at me. I see recognition. Swift, connection, beautiful, and gone. I wrote that you were a wonderful mother. I left out how you hurt me. How you left me alone. How you fell apart on me after he died.
I wish you could hold me. Make me rice and rub my head. Play Jeopardy with me and laugh at the silly answers I gave to hear you feel good.
I hate this. Please let go. I can't say goodbye all the time. It hurts so bad. Fuck. I miss you.
Jacqueline.
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