Lady Jonathan Tells All, #8

Editor Lady Jonathan, Letters, June 17th, 2013

...enjoying your sexuality, which happens to be slightly different...

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Dearest Lady Jonathon,

I have what some would call a strange affliction, I like to piss myself. It started with sexual exploration with my partner about 10 years ago alongside utilizing the many healing therapies that morning urine can provide. These are easily excused and accepted, however my fascination has turned into something a little more inconvenient, if you will. It has become such a thrill that when I choose to piss myself, I feel like I’m cumming. There’s this sense of liberation that overwhelms me, I feel like I’m on top of the world! Usually, I choose to warm my pants under the stars, I sit on the sidewalk, sometimes wet and sometimes dry, and I just let it out. Once in a while, I choose this certain thrill in public. Once I stared a cashier right in the eye as I slowly let the piss fall down my legs into my boots, I never leave a mess behind. It’s gotten to the point where I fantasize about where, next, and when, I think this is posing a sort of problem so I’ve been holding back a bit. Am I cheating myself out of this sense of freedom by holding it and going in a toilet like “normal” people? Am I gross by acting so uninhibited? If I continue, do you think this could lead to even more fucked up scenarios that could potentially make it harder and harder to get off?


Urethra Freedom

Dear Urethra Freedom,

You’re not alone, sexualizing urine. Female kobs perform oral sex on each other and even stroke each other’s vulvas with their forelegs. They exhibit urolagnia during sex, one female will urinate while the other sticks her nose in the stream.


Do you know the term “urolagnia?” It refers to when sexual excitement is associated with the sight or thought of urine or urination. In Greek, it’s the combo of the words urine and lust. Here’s how to pronounce it:

I also happen to know that male goats douse themselves in their own piss when hoping to fuck. Female goats think it’s super hot. This goat was just told pissing on himself was gross:

I’m not suggesting you start dating bovines. That’s a different set of advice all together. I am sure you know the prevalence of golden shower predilections. Poop included (see: Two Girls, One Cup). I guess I am trying to begin my response by letting you know that you are okay.

Thing is, you kind of seem to be cool with it. Which is great! I’d love to develop a certain behavior that made me feel like I am cumming while staring at a cashier or sitting on a sidewalk.


I’d say you are lucky! You aren’t harming anyone. You’re simply enjoying your sexuality, which happens to be slightly different than other people’s sexuality. I, for one, celebrate diversity! Even this girl who hardcore gets off when she puts rotten food and maggots in her vagina!


On to your questions:

1. Am I cheating myself out of this sense of freedom by holding it and going in a toilet like “normal” people?

First of all, nobody is normal. The Normals are acting. People go to the toilet because they find it convenient and they are not attracted to their own urine expanding into a large wet spot in their trousers. I am pretty certain if you stop using toilets all together, you aren’t going to like pissing yourself as much. If you truly get that much out of it, protect it. Keep it special.


Cause come on, part of this excitement is because of the danger element. The exhibitionism. If you are just that person who reeks of pee all the time, what’s the fun in that?


Maybe the act of holding your urine as long as you can, can really build on the experience. Also, just drink more water and you’ll have plenty of opportunities to both use a toilet and use your own thighs as a pee receptacle.


One thing to consider is that people are cruel. And we don’t have a choice as human beings but to feel that we need acceptance by our “community” on some level, even if we hate them. Being ostracized by The Normals feels great, but being shunned by everyone sucks. It sends people to the bottle or prescription pad or the crack pipe. They grow beards on faces that become creased in the shape of despair. I don’t want that for you! So balance your fetish.

2. Am I gross by acting so uninhibited?

Who cares? You’re into it.

3. If I continue, do you think this could lead to even more fucked up scenarios that could potentially make it harder and harder to get off?

Duh! Did you write this question on opposite day?


If you want more fucked up scenarios and the inability to climax, the quickest way is to suppress your desires. Sexual repression is no joke, Urethra. Think about all those evangelical preacher psychos who do it to little boys in hotel rooms with wood paneled walls and stucco ceilings. I think not allowing yourself to explore these things that arouse you will leave a surplus of frustrated sexual energy inside of you—which can morph into god knows what.


Curious, Freedom—have you gone on Fetlife to find others like yourself? It’s kind of like Facebook but for people who like to get peed on or tied up or have masters, or hang by ropes from rings pierced into their testicles. You should check it out! Warning though, there have been two instances where I fell into a Fetlife k-hole wherein I clicked through endless pictures of unbathed women in filthy apartments who have tied their breasts up in ropes so tightly that they have become purple eggplants. Oh and god, this black man who is obsessed with fucking white guys’ wives. Except the babes he photographs himself fucking on polyester, floral comforters look like life-long drunks who’ve been alone since they ran away from home at 12. There is so much to see though! And you can totally find people to date who can climax over urine too. pee10pee10pee10

You might agree that animals have their shit (not excrement! stop it!) together more than humans. They are unafraid of their own nature. They don’t construct worlds wherein they cannot be themselves. They do not know how to pretend. Take guidance from them. Let me pull an animal card. Let’s see what message is waiting for you.

Oh, the raven! I am in love with Raven. Raven is the messenger of the void. Though Raven’s color is the color of the void—black, it does not mean evil. It speaks of the magic of darkness, and a changeability of form and shape that brings an awakening in the process. Raven guides the change of consciousness that will bring about a new reality and dispel “dis-ease” or illness.

Choosing Raven means there is magic in the air. Do not try and figure it out, you cannot. Especially don’t try to explain it away. Don’t forget this magic is coming from the void of darkness, and the challenge is to bring it to light.

Freedom, I believe you have an evolution on your hands. It might sound odd to see arousal linked to wetting one’s self as an awakening that can transform darkness into light, but the cards have spoken.

(Do you pee in the swimming pool?)

Hugs and Fun and Happiness to you,

Lady Jonathan

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Lady Jonathan

I studied the dark arts on the dance floor in Western Europe. With one black cat, I travel to obtuse destinations, like hot tubs, to study humanity and the complex psychology behind it. My wisdom comes from a double helix coded by the mountains, the sea and the silence of a stalking puma. While impossible to locate, I am quite excellent at returning emails and keeping secrets. So, tell.