Lady Jonathan Tells All, #11
“I’ve noticed this idea/fear in a lot of men’s minds (particularly Americans)”
Dear Lady Jonathan,
I can tell my girlfriend wants to get married and I just dont want to.
I dont want to break up but I just dont like marriage. why do girls
always think that is what is supposed to happen if youve been together
for some years? what can I do to keep my girlfriend?
--pressured
Hi Pressured,
Thank you for writing. How are you? It’s summertime.
You have two questions and the first one is easy so I will start there.
“Why do girls always think that [marriage] is what is supposed to happen if you’ve been together for some years?”
“They” don’t.
Pressured, I know you reached out for help so I want to pay careful attention to not be an asshole. I’ve noticed this idea/fear in a lot of men’s minds (particularly Americans). They think that the woman they are dating is secretly plotting, dreaming, doodling, and gushing to her friends about marrying them and growing their children’s spines and brains and entire being inside of her own body and then pushing that same child out of her vagina. Like it’s this annoying inevitability that needs to be mitigated. To that I say, WHY DON’T YOU GET REAL, MANKIND.
Marriage is terrifying! Marriage is romantic! Marriage is religious! Marriage is a really big party! Marriage means security! Marriage is prison! Marriage is status quo!
What you are assuming is this really cliché thing to assume, which is that “all girls” think “marriage” is supposed to happen after a certain amount of time has passed dating the same dude. I am not saying your girlfriend doesn’t want to marry you. Both men and women are guilty of believing in this rom-com theology, which is a smelly remnant of the yesteryear of white people who lied to each other, pretending they were virgins. (Because babes saving their virginities, or pretending to, for marriage definitely want to get married under a certain time frame. Cause they want to fuck.)
Many women I know were pressured into marriage by their dudes. Not pressured in a serious intense way, but like, it wasn’t their idea and they were nagged about it. That’s part of our current, American society. Some people (male or female) want to get married and are super into the idea, and some people (male or female) are not.
If you can be one man who doesn’t buy into that rom-com bullshit from here on out, I will feel so RELIEVED. Being a woman in that environment, as you can imagine, is really MKUltra-annoying. You date a guy. He assumes you want to marry him so is always keeping this subtle wall up between you. Meanwhile, you just want to have adventures and great sex with the guy, make memories, roll around in the white sands of some tropical island stoned and totally blissed-out as many days out of the year as possible. Assumptions can really ruin basically everything. Even paradise.
It’s okay that you don’t want to get married and that you don’t like the idea of marriage. Now that families don’t join kingdoms when they marry, it can kind of feel like saying the pledge of allegiance in the 3rd grade (you know you should be saying it and it’s “important” but what the fuck are you doing?). A lot of the marriage traditions are truly disgusting. Like a veil, for example. Is that some kind of joke? The bride COVERS HER FACE, until her man lifts it and allows her to reemerge into the world, as his. Or the fact that the father “gives the bride away,” itself a disturbing concept, even if the bride’s mother was the one who truly knew her, loved her, protected her and taught her the most. Let’s torture ourselves by remembering the “garter” the woman wears that gets flung into the crowd after the man removes it with his teeth (?!?!*%^#).
Also, wedding cake is 97% gross.
It’s equally okay that your girlfriend wants to get married. Some people may see it as the ultimate moment of romance. There are beautiful wedding traditions, none of which are from the USA. She may have had a vision for her life and it included this documented bond with her partner, this ring on her finger to symbolize her connection to this man. It’s sweet really, if it’s because she loves you and trusts you and wants to be publically connected to you. (I am not discounting that she could be a brainwashed member of today’s society that believes that if a man doesn’t marry you, it’s because he doesn’t think you are “the one” or whatever the fuck.) (I am also not discounting those freakshow reality TV ideas about “her big day” and “being a princess.”)
The real problem is that you both have needs and you both have visions for what your life is going to be like, and they aren’t matching up 100%. In your vision, you have this amazing girlfriend that you love and aren’t married to. In her vision, she has this amazing boyfriend (you) who she loves and eventually marries. Neither vision is wrong, immature, less valid or less intelligent. They just don’t match up.
If you truly don’t want to ever get married, you need to tell her within the next five days. Let her decide if she is willing to forego one of her needs in order to maintain her relationship with you. If you love her, you will provide her with the truth that she needs in order to make the correct decision about her life. Don’t let her lie to herself that you will “come around” or “change your mind” or that you are “just scared.” Be completely honest with her because you love her, and part of loving her is wanting her to be happy and satisfied with her life, even if you aren’t in it.
It would also do you good to ask her if she wants to get married instead of assuming. You know, just to make sure. And don’t forget that her wanting to marry you (if she does) is something that should compliment you, not annoy you. You both seem to really care about each other.
What do the animals say? Who will they send to talk to us? Let me draw a card.
Hello Mouse! Little beady eyed, tiny mouse! Mouse that searches, searches, searches for threats with ever moving whiskers! The object of my feline’s desires!
Well, I pulled the card upside down so we will be taking lessons from Mouse in the contrary position.
Mouse in the contrary position may be telling you that you are spending too much time with matters of great consequence when you should be paying a traffic ticket or washing your hamper full of dirty undies. You may have developed a disdain for authority and order. You may be distracting yourself with this huge imagined pressure of marriage simply because you are avoiding something that needs immediate attention. Not knowing you, I really have no idea what you may be avoiding. I do know that we all avoid lots of things though, and looking at both why we are avoiding them and what tactics we are using to avoid them is really enlightening. The good news is: bring Mouse medicine into your house and you will soon get your shit together.
Here’s the thing too though, Pressured. Another message from a reversed Mouse is that you are “pipe dreaming” about your own importance in life. Are you expecting this woman wants to desperately marry you when she might just want to toss the idea around? Are you seeing a bear trap when you are being handed a bracelet? Mouse reminds us that we can’t win the attention and recognition we seek if we are not walking in humility.
Little Mouse needs to see the big picture yet expansiveness can be overwhelming. Mouse says to take things step by step. Confusion is a product of “too much, too soon.”
The truth is, Mouse is concerned you are simply confused by the maze.
Thank you so much for writing. I hope you have a really good and honest talk with your babe. It will make both of you feel maybe gut-wrenchingly worse at first, but in the end so much better. You may even have the best sex of your entire life five minutes after the conversation concludes. As I always say, every single day matters! You have the opportunity to set you both free from the heavy weight of uncertainty.
Warm Summer Swimming Costume Hugs,
Lady Jonathan
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