Top Ten of 2013 by Reyna Kohl
“Pour the oysters into your tiny mouth hole”
1. Always amazing and right on target (for me) 8tracks mix-maker: Lipped Love
This lady knows how to make the moodiest, sexiest music mixes. Period. Her page is loaded with vintage photos of women wearing lingerie. Her Tumblr gets a little more pornographic, in the classiest of ways. She even has an Etsy shop with a beautifully curated collection of vintage clothing and accessories for sale. And she's Canadian! I'm clearly smitten.
2. Most outta sight show(s) I was lucky enough to attend this year (sorry, couldn't choose just one!):
-Godspeed You Black Emperor: There was a deep, vibrating sound, heavily permeating the pitch black venue as the band came onto the stage. This sound knocked through our bones, and was hollowing out our chests, inducing a collective feeling of growing insanity among the audience members. Just as we all began to accept that there was no escape from the sound, and that we might as well disappear underneath it's weight, the projector began to flash choppy found images onto the wall behind the stage, the sound stopped, and the band started to play. The next two hours were a fantastic psychedelic dream.
-Bonnie “Prince” Billy: The last time I had seen The Bonnie “Prince” was around 1999, in Los Angeles. I had been introduced to Will Oldham's music by a very cool guy who sold harder-to-find indie albums on the porch of this venue in Santa Ana called Koo's Cafe (one of the best venues EVER). I listened to I See a Darkness like it was my religion (as I did with many albums back then). I was so disappointed when the show in L.A. consisted of unsatisfying sloppy bar rock versions of his songs. This time, it was just The “Prince,” a guitar, a chair, and a hundred charming witticisms and funny, lovely stories. And great versions of so many great songs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mpo9UYl_Yw
-Goblin: I have watched every single film Dario Argento has made (okay, except Giallo and Dracula 3D). This was the first time the Italian prog band which had done the soundtracks to many, many Argento films had played in the U.S. Kind of a big deal. Do I even need to say that it was amazing?
3. Cutest and most awesome new band in P-town: Hearts & Tigers
I have a gigantic crush on this band. They remind me of the best 80s twee pop (think The Go- Betweens, The Field Mice, Tallulah Gosh) with an adorably nervous lead singer and two-part female vocal harmonies. Yow!
4. My favorite live electronic dance music duo (soon to be rich and famous, I'm sure): Acid Farm
These boys are brilliant (yes, they are also my friends, but I am telling you: they are SO good). If you ever have a chance to see them live, do it. The way they bob around, raise the roof (totally unironically) and pump their fists in the air induced fuzzy feelings and makes it impossible to refrain from dancing. (Other Portland hardware-based electronic dance music to check: Etbonz https://soundcloud.com/etbonz, Solenoid http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElHqB3Nv094, Krycek--one half of Acid Farm-- https://soundcloud.com/morganh)
5. Hypothetical NAILED Column: “What If My Answer Was This:”
The advice column that gives no advice whatsoever, by Kevin Byloos. Here's what it would be like:
Dear Kevin,
I think I am in love with my father. I am thinking this might not be healthy for the relationship between my mother and me. Does this all seem strange, or has this happened to any one before? What should I do? Help!
Electerac Boogaloo
Dear Boog,
What if my answer was this:
If you can find some, rub two dry unicorns together, then add water to make a paste.
Apply this paste to your face and allow it to solidify (this may take up to seven hours, but, trust me). Once the paste has hardened, go to a fancy restaurant by yourself and order the oysters. (I forgot to mention that you must insert straws into your mouth and nose holes while the mask is setting, or else you won't be able to breathe!) Pour the oysters into your tiny mouth hole and think about chopping wood. Once you are done, tip twenty-percent, then walk down to Smitty Langdorn's cabin, where he will tell you what to do next.
Sincerely,
Kevin Byloos
6. Most appropriate (and fantastic) secret santa gift: A Chinook Book
This is one big book full of savings! Someone made the comment that this was a great gift for me because I am the most frugal person they know, which made me feel proud in a shameful way, if that's possible.
7. Discovery on flickr: Shae Detar
I love these painted photographs. They're colorful and vintage-looking and kinda psychedelic and that's my thang. http://www.flickr.com/photos/102114827@N03/
8. Music video that has the best combination of creepy, sexy, and bizarre: Connan Mockasin:
“I'm The Man, That Will Find You” (what's up with that weird comma?) YEP.
9. Celebrity that I was most obsessed with this year: Riff Raff
Have you seen this man? Have you listened to him talk? Have you watched him snort drugs on camera? Is this for real? Was the character “Alien” (hilariously played by James Franco) in Spring Breakers based on Riff Raff? Was the character “Jamie Franko” (hilariously played by Riff Raff) on the soap opera One Life to Live based on James Franco? So many questions in need of answers. Riff Raff, you're killing me, dawg.
10. The five best (and often most confusing) emails I've received regarding penis enlargement. Thank you Yahoo and your impeccable filter for making this list possible:
Sender: Penis Growth Sample, Subject: She will surely pounce on you, Body: Every cunt is tight after having that size
Sender: Enlargement pils Free Sample, Subject: So hard you can break an egg
Sender: Enlargement pils Promo, Subject: The boy who cried wolf
Sender: Enlarge with Promo, Subject: Actual pictures and sizes displayed here, Body: Got to show her who is boss by using my power shags you know.
Sender: Enlargement supplement Free trial, Subject: Give her the best of you, Body: Jessica Alba and I reunite after a bad patch, and I worked hard to make her pleased with my performance again
Possibly the most baffling part is why it was decided that I might be so interested in penis enlargement.
Bonus: Sender: Jennifer Aniston Free Trials Subject: Reese Witherspoon
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<nailed's top ten of 2013>
